Foxx Hunting

Mom Hates Atheists

2007-04-11T14:02:00.000-03:00

Not my Mom. My Mom's cool. This mother, however, should lay off the coffee or whatever it is that's making her so jumpy and irritable. I mean, damn, talk about overreacting. And who's the one with the camera filming this as if it's they're filming gorillas in the wild? Are they so amazed that there's now an atheist in the home that they needed some kind of video evidence to document it?

Grindhouse Was #4?!

2007-04-09T14:31:00.000-03:00

I must be losing my mind because I just read that "Grindhouse" finished fourth in the box office race this weekend. The most talked about film of the year so far didn't even win it's opening weekend. "Blades Of Glory" repeated as the top film of the weekend, followed by "Meet The Robinsons" and "Are We Done Yet?"

Are you fucking joking? An Ice Cube movie, a shitty one at that, beat out the double feature megafilm? America is full of idiots. It's documented proof now.

Borat Impersonator? Yeesh

2007-04-05T17:13:00.000-03:00

I enjoy writing the Boss Report as an amalgamation between Jim Ross and Stephen Colbert, but at least I am not so lame as to do an unabashed impersonation of either man's character. If I started passing myself off as either Jim Ross or Stephen Colbert at a WWE live event or Colbert Report taping, I might have to comtemplate suicide ... or at least retreat to live in the woods like Grizzly Adams.

This kid who showed up with a camera and mic for the Borat movie premiere might want to consider one of those two options. If I were him, I'd take the Grizzly Adams route, as at least I could do my shitty Borat impression in front of the chipmunks and raccoons. The woodland creatures would be less likely to humble his sorry ass like Sasha Cohen did at the end of this vid.

Don't Fuck With Canadian Cops

2007-04-04T18:25:00.000-03:00

I haven't posted anything in a while, but that's simply because I haven't felt the compulsion to vent lately. I've been focusing on my creative writing a lot more the past month or so, and I plan on keeping it that way for the near future.

I did, however, feel like sharing this vid as soon as I saw it on YouTube. I think this is from somewhere in Toronto. If there are crazy men with knives anywhere in this country, it's in Toronto. That city's like a PG-13 version of Detroit. Just replace the guns with Super Soakers and you've got Toronto.

The Nutty "Professor" On Evolution

2007-03-27T15:00:00.000-03:00

This defies description. I thought it was parody. Turns out it's not. Chuck Missler might just have the silliest argument against Evolution since I saw that YouTube vid about the banana being a atheist's "worst nightmare." Long story, short - peanut butter is evidence that life could not exist without God. How is this guy not required to wear a helmet in his daily life?

Maybe Not A Whore, But She Wears The Uniform

2007-03-26T18:28:00.000-03:00

After seeing this photo of Christina Aguilera over on WWTDD's site, I just have to wonder why people adore her so much. Is it the caked-on make-up that makes her look like a practice corpse at a community college's funeral service class? Is it the sheer white skirt with not so sheer granny bra? Or is it the haunting echoes of boyfriends past bellowing from her cavernous vagina?

Whatever it is, someone tell me.

I see pictures of this chick on the Internet and all I can think of are the times where she pisses and moans during interviews about being seen as nothing but a sex symbol. Darlin', that's what is selling those records. You can have the voice of an angel, fine, but don't kid yourself into thinking people are ogling your voice box. They're checking out the box that's a little further south. And when you dress like a Reno hooker, you're just making it easy for them.

The Now Show?

2007-03-21T00:18:00.000-03:00

I have never heard of this British radio comedy show, but I think I could become a fan. Then again, I'm a mark for satire.

Here's a link to one of their shows, which includes a bit on that "Global Warming Swindle" documentary that aired in Britain a while ago.

Click HERE.

WrestleMania Is Almost Here

2007-03-18T17:09:00.000-03:00

... And I am just not that excited. I'm a life-long wrestling fan. I should be chomping at the bit to see the biggest pay-per-view of the year, and yet I'm not. WWE just isn't convincing me that this is a must see show.

"The Battle of the Billionaires" between Vince McMahon and Donald Trump is actually one of the most awkward attempts at cross-over promotion that I've seen in a long time. It doesn't help either that Donald Trump delivering lines with about as much conviction as that Emo asshat in the McDonald's drive-thru that keeps fucking up my order. It's sad how Vince has tried to make wrestling fans give a shit about Trump's appearances on Raw. We want wrestling, we don't want some real estate tycoon strutting around and pouting like someone just took his lollipop.

At least Vince had the good sense to keep Hulk Hogan off of the pay-per-view this year. Seriously, that fucker wanted a majority of the gate by simply showing up. Are you kidding me? Hogan hasn't been that big of a draw in years. Am I to believe that when he showed up to feud with Shawn Michaels and Randy Orton the last couple of years that he was raking in the majority of the gates for those shows? Fuck that noise. Hogan is no longer relevant in the world of wrestling. Let VH1 have him ... and his fugly bitch of a daughter too. Seriously, my tranny detector overheats every time she's on the screen.

If Vince wants to get a star that is actually still relevant to wrestling, maybe he should look up the Rock one more time. He made just a pre-tape appearance on Raw last week and got the biggest pop of the night. That right there tells you that the fans still want some of the Rock. One match for a pay-per-view and the buyrates would be huge I'll wager. If there's one retired wrestler who might actually deserve a majority of the gate, it's that guy. At least for now.

St. Patrick's Day, Yo

2007-03-15T21:07:00.000-03:00

Brad Neely is a super-deluxe genius. If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.

Star Trek's Eye Candy

2007-03-14T16:41:00.000-03:00

Over on the LoP Forums, Destroyah brought up an interesting opinion poll on who we all considered to be the preeminent Star Trek "hottie."

As an avid fan of the franchise, I have no choice but to proclaim myself soundly in the camp of Jeri Ryan supporters. The reasoning for this can be greatly attributed to that silver one-piece pictured at right. Star Trek's women over time have always had a certain amount of sex appeal. Star Trek: Voyager basically cut the nuances of the past and gave viewers Star Trek's first real poster girl.

Different folks like Lt. Uhura for that cute l'il mini skirt she had and the retro appeal of the look from the late 60's. Some folks might go for TNG's Beverly Crusher as a "MILF" candidate (it doesn't hurt that she's a redhead to boot) or Counselor Troi with her gratuitous cleavage. All those subtle winks to the virgin masses of Star Trek fans pale to the out-and-out exclamation of "Hey, boys. Check me out!" made by the addition of Seven-of-Nine to the Voyager cast.

Prior to her inclusion on the show, I really could've given a damn about whether that show lived or died. When she debuted as an ass kicking blonde liberated from the Borg though, I was hooked. Mind you, I didn't start buying the Star Trek plunder or attending those odd conventions, but I made sure to watch the show every week from then on. Sure, she's a talented actress with a remarkable resume of roles over the years, but when she was on Star Trek she was my eye candy. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Kids In The Hall: The Cop Chase

2007-03-12T20:52:00.000-03:00

It's been a while since I posted some love for one of my all-time favorite comedies. So here's a memorable moment from "The Kids In The Hall" that everyone should enjoy.

Global Swarming

2007-03-11T22:05:00.000-03:00

I don't mind it when people are critical of anthropogenic global warming ... as long as they are rational in their arguments. Unlike the Creationists that are trying to pass off Intelligent Design as a scientific theory, there are actually some critics of global warming that are able to approach the debate with scientific arguments instead of theocratic grand standing and inane rhetoric. That's fine by me. If scientists can stick to the science of things, I have no problem with the debate being open for the public to view.

The problem I have is when people are either passing themselves off as experts (Al Gore, Jame Inhofe) and spewing out lingo that they have little understanding. I also can't stand the people that divert attention away from the scientific debate and come up with absolutely ludicrous conspiracy theories about how global warming is a myth entirely concocted by liberals, hippies, communists, etc. When you spend more time ranting and raving about that nonsense and don't even bother paying attention to the actual matter at hand, you're not doing any good for the debate. You're just clouding the issue. Maybe that's your intention though, and if it is then fuck you.

A British network aired a documentary last weekend called "The Global Warming Swindle." The first thirty minutes or so was great in that they actually presented a scientific argument on his man-made global warming is a flawed theory. The rest of the documentary was pure mumbo jumbo about global warming being concocted out of thin air to create an industry in and of itself. Needless to say, the train went off the tracks at that point. They had me and then they lost me, is what I'm saying.

It's a shame that after so many decades of denials of science in different fields, the public skeptics haven't gotten better at what they do. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised though, since there are several skeptics of global warming that are proponents in fueling skepticism about cigarettes causing cancer. I mean, fuck. There are people still denying that shit. It's 2007. Smarten the fuck up.

Movies of 2007: What I've Seen So Far

2007-03-10T22:57:00.000-04:00

Just from the sampling of movies that I've seen from this year so far, I'm not overly optimistic about what the rest of the year is going to bring. Mind you, it's still very early and things don't really pick up as far as "blockbusters" go until mid-spring. I suppose when I think back, 2006 didn't have a whole lot to brag about heading into March. "Grandma's Boy" was one of the few standouts for me at the time, and people were hyping the hell out of "Mission: Impossible: III," which was a less than stellar film compared to the trailers for it.

I've only seen six movies from this year, so that might be another indicator as to why I'm not overjoyed with what's been coming down the pipe. I still have to see "Alpha Dog", "Astronaut Farmer", "Black Snake Moan", and "300", so maybe there's something in there that will change my mind about how the year has started.

There are quite a few titles that I am looking forward to seeing this year ... at least to some varying degrees.

Blades of Glory - Will Ferrell is on a roll. There's just been a few missteps so far like "Bewitched", so I'm hoping he carries the load again in this one. After seeing "School for Scoundrels", I'm convinced that Jon Heder is not a leading man in any stretch of the imagination.
Grindhouse - This year's "Sin City". I won't be surprised if this movie ends up in my Top 5 of the year ... and that's just from watching trailers.
Spider-Man 3 - Hell, I've seen the first two and like them both very much. Is it unreasonable to expect a good closer for the trilogy. It's too bad Kirsten Dunst is playing Mary-Jane though, as I don't like rooting for Mary-Jane to be killed off.
28 Weeks Later - All I know is that this is supposed to be a sequel to "28 Days Later". I loved that movie, so I have my fingers crossed.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - The second movie pulled a "Matrix Reloaded" and stunk up the theater, as far as I'm concerned. I shouldn't say that. I liked "Matrix Reloaded" a lot more. This one better be as good or better than the first movie or Johnny Depp becomes the new Steve Guttenberg.
Knocked Up - Katherine Heigl and that chubby guy from "The 40 Year Old Virgin"? I'll bite.
Ocean's Thirteen - What can I say? I'm a mark for this franchise. It's pretty hard to fuck up the entertainment factor when you have George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Bernie Mac, Elliot Gould, Andy Garcia, and Al Fuckin' Pacino.
Even Almighty - I'm pretty sure Steve Carrell could read a phone book and still find a way to make me laugh.
Transformers - Holy shit. I'm so watching this. It could be a complete floater, I don't care. I was a huge mark for He-Man back in the day, and the movie killed my soul. Thanks to fancy schmancy graphics, I'm hoping against hope that this one rocks my socks.
The Simpsons Movie - C'mon. Everyone has seen every episode of the show at least ten times by now. If you're not looking forward to this movie then something is wrong with you.
30 Days Of Night - I haven't read the comics for this yet, but I hear that they are the bee's knees. Anything to bring vampires out of the shit pile that was "Blade 3" gets my vote.

There's other movies slated for this year that other people are creaming their jeans over, but not me. These are my "must see" items for 2007. There might be some surprises elsewhere that get on my good side, but I've got moderate to high expectations for these movies listed. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, here's the six movies that I've seen from 2007 so far. Maybe you scored them higher or lower, I don't know. What I do know is that "Reno 911!: Miami The Movie" has become my current benchmark for entertainment value.

Jan 12:
Primeval - Think "Hotel Rhwanda" meets "Lake Placid." A news crew heads to Africa to find a giant crocodile that's killed a bunch of villagers. They go into one of the more tumultuous countries and end up fending off warlords as they fend off the killer croc. It's an odd fucking movie.
- 2 1/2 machetes to the cranium out of 5

Jan 26:
Smokin' Aces - Talk about a busy movie. The film's got about seventeen subplots going on, all surrounding the million dollar hit that's been put on Buddy "Aces" Israel. There's Affleck's crew, Alicia Keys' crew, Ray Liotta and Ryan Reynolds, and a ton of others. The movies about as much of a comedy as Pulp Fiction. Actually, scratch that. Pulp Fiction had some real funny moments. This movie ... not so much. And talk about a convoluted ending. What's wrong with a shoot 'em up movie just being a shoot 'em up movie?
- 2 1/2 .50 caliber sniper rifles out of 5

Epic Movie - Oh Christ. Worst movie I've seen in a long, long time. I wanted to like it, I really did. I get a laugh out of the Scary Movie franchise still, but I'm a mark for Anna Faris. Date Movie wasn't completely unwatchable, but I'm also a mark for Alyson Hannigan. Epic Movie had neither of those girls, and the girls they did have had little comedic talent. The closest thing to funny for me was seeing Kevin McDonald play Harry Potter. But I'm also a mark for Kids In The Hall. Ugh. I want those two hours back.
- 1 really lame fart joke out of 5

Feb 2:
The Messengers - Bad. That's all that needs to be said, I think. Cliched. That's one more word. Toddler who sees ghosts. Teen girl goes unbelieved when she says she's been attacked/seen ghosts. Marital strife and stress and family starts from scratch in new home. Creepy moving things in corners and shadows. Crows ... lots of crows. Spooky sighting in farm field. Multiple spooky sightings in basement. Creepy pale blue ghosts. Telegraphed plot twist involving tertiary character. Happy fucking ending.
- 1 3/4 Poltergeist references out of 5

Feb 16:
Ghost Rider - It was better than Elecktra, that's for sure. And infinitely better than Cage's last film that I saw him in, The Wicker Man. Though I did find his acting to be a little grating at times, it's hard to explain. Eva Mendez could read a phone book and I'd be captivated however. And I can give any short coming this movie had a pass thanks to Sam Fucking Elliott. Road House kicked ass because he was in it. Case closed. The Ghost Rider persona came off very cartoony in places, but I wasn't expecting too much of the movie anyway. Oh, and the Devil's son came off like a poor man's Kevin Thorn ... which is weird because I thought Thorn was a poor man's Kevin Thorn.
- 3 1/4 "Does Ghost Rider sound like Dr. Claw to you?"'s out of 5

Feb 23:
Reno 911!: Miami The Movie - I only started watching the series this year, but I instantly fell in love with it. The movie is basically an 80 minute episode with a bigger budget and more cameos. Paul Rudd was awesome. The Rock's part was pretty funny too. If you like the show, you'll like this. If you don't like the show, don't bother.
- 4 weedwhackers to the face out of 5

The Number 23 - Some folks have shit all over the movie, but overall I thought it was okay. Not near as good as "Stranger Than Fiction", but it wasn't meant to be since the story is pretty dissimilar to that film. It's dark, convoluted, and you really start to hate it about half way through. At least I did, but then the story made a good effort towards the end and justified the whole tale. It's a renter at least.
- 3 1/4 nasty evil dead dogs out of 5

Ann Coulter: "... pretty much every Democratic politician" is a faggot..

2007-03-07T17:53:00.000-04:00

I think I should start to feel sorry for Ann Coulter. It is becoming exceedingly obvious that she is absolutely incapable of admitting any error on her part. There comes a point when a person's actions and words go beyond arrogance, beyond ignorance, and beyond ineptness. Ann Coulter has reached that point and passed it as if it were standing still.

At a Conservative Political Action Conference on March 2, Ann said this with regards to Senator John Edwards...

"Oh, and I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards. But it turns out that you have to go into rehab if you use the word "faggot," so I'm -- so I'm kind of at an impasse, can't really talk about Edwards."

Needless to say that her comments drew the ire of many critics, among them some notable Republicans. However, she refuses to acknowledge that her choice of words was offensive to the gay community. Hmmm, I could have sworn "faggot" was a homosexual slur. Not so, says Ann.

During the March 5 episode of "Hannity & Combes" on FOX News (after canceling a scheduled appearance on CNN), Ann Coulter had this to say about "faggot" being a gay slur...

"The word I used has nothing to do with sexual preference. It is a schoolyard taunt, and unless you're going to announce here on national TV that John Edwards, married father of many children, is gay, it clearly had nothing to do with that. It's a schoolyard taunt ... It isn't offensive to gays. It has nothing to do with gays. It's a schoolyard taunt, meaning wuss. And unless you're telling me that John Edwards is gay, it was not applied to a gay person."

She even added shortly there after that...

"I would say that of pretty much every Democratic politician. It could have been John Dean, but he's not running for president."

So there, I guess. It's not a gay slur, but a schoolyard taunt. It means wuss. Any simpleton with a dictionary should be able to look up the word "faggot" and clearly see that there is no connotation of it being a slur towards homosexuals, but rather a childish taunt for cowards and the like. I'll just check the dictionaries online and see the actual definition of the word. That should help settle any dispute over the meaning of the word "faggot."

Random House Unabridged Dictionary: Slang: Disparaging and Offensive. a male homosexual.
American Heritage Dictionary: Used as a disparaging term for a homosexual man.
WorldNet: Offensive terms for an openly homosexual man.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary: Usually disparaging : a male homosexual.
Oxford English Dictionary: N. Amer. informal, derogatory a male homosexual.
Cambridge Dictionary: MAINLY US SLANG: A homosexual man. This word is considered offensive when it is used by people who are not homosexual.

Hmmm. Not a single mention of "faggot" being a schoolyard taunt, but they all reference it as a slur towards homosexuals. Sorry, Ann. You're dead wrong on this one. The word you used has everything to do with sexual preference. It may be a schoolyard taunt, in that it's also used in schoolyards, but ask any kid what "faggot" means. I'm willing to bet that they aren't going to say it means "wuss."

Allow me to offer a denigrative slang term of my own to describe Ann Coulter. Ann Coulter is a cunt. Plain and simple. And if you don't believe me then look it up. I'm sure at least one dictionary has a picture of her face next to the definition.

Good Charlotte vs Paparazzi: I'm Conflicted

2007-03-06T23:04:00.000-04:00

Good Charlotte is ass. Can't say it any plainer. The paparazzi are just parasites, for lack of a better term. So when Joel Madden ends up being reported for "assault" on a female photographer as he exited a club, I'm conflicted. I have little sympathy for photographers that stalk celebrities at all hours of the day just to get their picture. But I wouldn't piss on Joel Madden if he was on fire.

The photographer claims she had a welt on her breast from Joel's brutish stiff-arm to get past her, saying she required medical attention. What a pussy. If you require medical attention after being assaulted by any member of Good Charlotte then you should just end your life now ... unless the medical attention is directed towards the ungodly amount of venerial disease you received from having his girlish hands placed upon you. Seriously, he's dating Nicole Richie. His penis must be six shades of green by now.

Salon Just Got Some Brownie Points With Me

2007-03-05T16:42:00.000-04:00

I'm not terribly familiar with Salon.com, but I think I may have to check out that site more often in making my rounds.

Remember that blog entry I made about "The Secret"? Well, they've got an article up right now where they eviscerate it and Oprah's credibility along with it, all in a way that is far more eloquent than I could have put it.

If you know someone who has started buying into this "Law of Attraction" nonsense, it would a service to humanity to smack them up-side their head. I prescribe that same treatment for anyone who watches "Dr. Phil" or John Edwards' talking to the dead crap as well.

Oprah's Ugly Secret

Boss Foxx Disease?

2007-03-02T20:22:00.000-04:00

You'll die from an Unlikely Illness (like the plague).

You will unfortunately succumb to a random and unlikely disease. Only to find out after death that eating more broccoli would have cured you.

'How will you die?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Great. Just great. It better be named after me, that's all I'm sayin'.

Intelligent Design Just Isn't Science

2007-03-02T02:01:00.000-04:00

Ken Miller gets it. Man, he really gets it. Here's a video of a lecture that he did in Ohio at Case Western University. It's about two hours long, but it's well worth the watch if you are interested in seeing him absolutely expose Intelligent Design for what it is. It's a shame that the debate that was supposed to happen at the university didn't happen ... that would have been even more enlightening to watch, I am guessing. I'm also guessing the debate didn't happen because the ID proponents had a good idea that they were going to get smoked by Ken Miller and whoever else would have defended the Evolution side. I mean smoked. Watch this vid and then tell me that you believe Intelligent Design should be taught in science classes. I dare you.

Answering Reverend Willy's Wife

2007-03-02T01:06:00.000-04:00

Last month, I talked about a vile excuse of a man in a blog entry that can be read here. In the course of my rant, I mentioned that Reverend Willy's wife had forwarded four questions to an atheist mother, so that the mother could answer them and the answers could be read aloud to Mrs. Willy's Baptist women's group. Well, allow me to finally address them in a vicarious reply to Mrs. Willy.

1. Why do you hate God?

The short answer is that I don't hate God. That answer really needs to be elaborated upon so I can get my point across properly.

First of all, I do not believe in God. Perhaps if I did, I might concoct some reason to hate God. As far as I'm concerned, however, God does not exist. Why should I have such a strong emotional stance on something that I don't even think exists? I don't believe in unicorns. I don't hate unicorns, I just don't think that they exist. It's really as plain as that. And it's not isolated to just the Baptist interpretation of God, but all gods. Name me a god or goddess and chances are about as good as they can get that I don't believe in it. That does not mean that I hate that god.

2. Why do you hate Christians?

This kind of follows the same vein as the first question, I think. Assuming that I hate the Christian God, I must subsequently hate Christians as well since they are the ones that are believers in that "one true God."

I don't hate Christians though, at least not as a whole. And the few Christians that I do hate are not recipients of my hatred because they are Christians or believe in a god, but because of some other personality trait they exhibit ... usually arrogance, ignorance, ineptness, or any combination of those. If someone wants to be a Christian, I don't have a problem with that.

If someone wants to believe in some other god, I don't have a problem with that. It's when Christianity or other religions, or some form of dogmatic rhetoric, is used to push ideals and doctrines on the entirety of society, as though their beliefs are the default that should be followed by everyone ... that's when I tend to take issue. Even then, however, I wouldn't classify my reaction as hate.

3. Why do you want to take our faith away?

This presupposes that I hate God and Christians and think that the religion (and all religions for that matter) should be banned entirely. No religion in the world at all, is the position that I am accused of here. That's just utter hogwash. I do not want to take Christianity away from anyone. That being said, I don't want that Christianity (or any religion for that matter) to be imposed upon me.

Creationism should not be taught in science classes, in my opinion. Why? Because it's not science. Religious thinking on how Earth, life, and the universe was created does not offer any scientific merit. So why is it that there are people who want to impose this stuff on students and pass it off as science? It's wrong.

Speaking of schools, this whole "take our faith away" thing stems from the fact that Separation of Church and State seems to bug the heck out of religious fundamentalists. Taking banning compulsory Christian prayer from public schools, many Christians threw a fit because they felt that they were being oppressed, despite the fact that prayer is still allowed in public schools on an individual's own time. The school is simply prohibited from forcing students, faculty, and staff to pray to any gods at all. That's not taking your faith away from you, that's keeping your faith away from me ... and that's what a lot of Christians and other religious folks are objecting to - their ability to treat their religion as the official religion of the state and/or country. That's a theocracy and we don't need that crap, thank you very much.

4. If I could give you proof that God exists and Jesus was your savior, would you believe?

Is this the part where someone hands me the Bible? I've been down this road before. But I'll answer the question anyway, assuming the intent of the question is not rooted in passing off any one of the numerous versions of the Bible as documented proof that God exists and Jesus is our savior.

If there were some kind of verifiable proof, testable and empirical evidence, that God existed and Jesus was our savior, I'd be inclined to at least consider it seriously and probably believe it. That being said, bring it on. For the whole of recorded history there hasn't been a single piece of scientific evidence that the Christian God exists ... especially the one that falls into that "young Earth" deal. I think the real problem with this last question is what your definition of proof is. Fundamentalist Christians tend to point to the Gospels in the New Testament as eye-witness accounts of Jesus' life, death, and resurrection. Sorry, that's just not going to cut it. Particularly considering the validity and inerrancy of the Bible is in dispute.

There. I hope that adds some clarity for Reverend Willy's wife ... who will most likely never ever read this nor care to.

Has The Whole World Gone Gay?

2007-02-28T17:15:00.000-04:00

... or is it just the Evangelicals?

Down in Oklahoma City, Reverend Lonnie W. Latham was arrested by an undercover police offer after Latham tried to solicit oral sex. While I'm confused how anyone at all could get arrested for asking for consenting unpaid sex, I find it absolutely hilarious that one more Bible thumping snake-oil salesman has been exposed for being an utter hypocrite.

Rev. Latham, when he used to be a practicing preacher, would incessently try and convince the gay and lesbian community to give up their sinful and immoral ways of homosexuality ... then apparently hits the streets afterwards to find some guy to have sex with. How poetic that he has finally been shown to be everything that he preaches against.

The thing is though, this guy is probably going to go off and be "cured" of his homosexuality. I mean, heck, it worked for Reverend Ted Haggard. Because at the end of the day, these guys simply cannot let go of that dogma of homosexuality being an abomination. They're filled with self-loathing thanks to religion convincing them that they are bad people for being gay, when in reality it is the deception of being straight they put forth to their congregation and to themselves that is making them bad people.

You can't cure homosexuality anymore than you can "cure" heterosexuality, I'm afraid. You can suppress it for a time, but your sexuality is part of who you are.It's not a disease, it's a fact of life. Deal with it, Reverend. If your religion is in conflict with who you are, maybe it's not you that is the problem. Then again ... that kind of thinking would require someone such as Reverend Latham to be honest with himself, and I doubt he's up for that kind of challenge.

Religion Can Be Bad Medicine

2007-02-27T17:55:00.000-04:00

If it's not the fact that I'm an atheist that will sometimes get called into question, it's the labeling of some points of view I share as intolerant towards religion. Yet when theists start pushing their beliefs on other people, that's acceptable behavior. If irony were a cup, it would runneth over. What do I mean by that?

I have no problem tolerating religion. If someone wants to believe in a god, that's their business. They can believe a consortium of garden gnomes created the universe for all I care. What I do have a problem with, however, is when religious folks treat their beliefs as default and treat the rest of the world as though everyone should be subscribing to those same beliefs. I'll tolerate your beliefs in gods, demons, angels, unicorns, and the Loch Ness Monster up to a point. Respect is a two-way street. And when theists start acting like their religion supersedes law and society in general, then I'm probably gonna have a problem with that.

The most recent example of what I'm talking about happened in Bakersfield, California. Tasha Childress takes her preschool daughter to a nearby private clinic so that the little girl can be treated for an ear infection. Dr. Gary Merrill refused to treat the child because the mother has tattoos. Since Merrill runs a "Christian" clinic, he created a policy for conduct and appearance for both staff and patients to adhere to.

He does that, he said, to ensure the patients he does accept have a more comfortable atmosphere.

So thanks to this guy's religious beliefs, a little girl was forced to suffer through the night with an ear infection. This isn't even a very good example of what I'm talking about here, but I imagine you get the idea. Sure, restaurants and other establishments that are privately run are able to create dress code policies, but I've never really heard of any that do so on the basis of putting their religious beliefs upon anyone else. Instances like that usually stem from just common decency - No shirt, no shoes, no service. This guy is a doctor though, and a supposedly Christian doctor at that. He wants to create a more comfortable atmosphere for his patients, but if I was a patient who witnessed such intolerance, I wouldn't feel very comfortable.

The doctor basically said that since the kid wasn't in any serious danger, he wasn't ethically bound to treat the child. Well, isn't that so very Christian of him. This guy gets to reject a child because he doesn't approve of the mother's body art. And it really comes off as hypocritical of the schmuck when the tattoo on the mother was considerably understated compared to another woman to was treated by him at that very clinic. Then again, the tattooed woman who was treated was thinner, blonder, and prettier than the short dark-haired heavyset mother who got turned away. I guess his religious beliefs only come into effect on a part-time basis.

It might not be so objectionable if the doctor had at least extended the courtesy of referring the child and mother to a doctor that would treat the little girl's ailment. But no, that would be asking too much of such an upstanding doctor as him. Maybe if he could have recognized that he was casting his religiously inspired policy on a little girl who had no tattoos, but only an ear infection. If he wants to shun the woman, that's one thing, but to cast out the little girl who did nothing to offend his arbitrary policy ... that's just bullshit. Bullshit of the highest order, as far as I'm concerned.

No matter what reason for his behavior that the doctor says out loud or holds in his heart, he was wrong and should be ashamed of himself. He's one of too many that give Christians a bad reputation of being intolerant towards those that are different. After all ... what would Jesus do? He'd have treated the girl, asshole.

Dave Foley Is Real Scientific

2007-02-24T16:40:00.000-04:00

There are two things that are factually correct in this universe. 1) "The Kids In The Hall" was hilarious, ergo Dave Foley is hilarious. 2) Super Deluxe is a website that should be mandatory viewing material for every webophile.

I checked this site out last year after viewing the classic music video, "George Washington." I visit the site today and find that Dave Foley is a contributor to the site. Oh happy day. Enjoy some funny this week.

Censorship of the Scrotum

2007-02-22T15:40:00.000-04:00

For the last couple of weeks, I've been hearing about a children's book that has been causing quite a stir among parents, teachers, and librarians. I was disappointed to learn that none of the librarians were of the hot, sexually adventurous assortment. I was almost equally disappointed to learn that the furor was over a single word - "Scrotum."

"The Higher Power of Lucky" tells the story of a young girl, Lucky, living in a small desert community in California. Her mother has died, and her father has called upon his ex-wife from France to come and help raise the child. Lucky fears that her new guardian will abandon her for France once more. Because of this fear, Lucky seeks help and support from her "Higher Power."

Sounds like a decent enough story, but where does the word "scrotum" fit into all this? The very first page apparently, as Lucky is eavesdropping on an adult conversation (which the character is prone to doing throughout the book, I guess). She overhears a man talking about how his dog was bitten by a rattlesnake. The offending passage follows...

“Scrotum sounded to Lucky like something green that comes up when you have the flu and cough too much,” the book continues. “It sounded medical and secret, but also important.”

Wait a minute ... that's the controversy? Lucky found out that the dog got bit on the scrotum and wonders what the word means, and that's what has so many people with their panties in a twist? Are you fucking serious?

The book won a Newbery Medal, one of the most prestigious awards that can be given to children's literature. It was written by a librarian, Susan Patron (not of the hot, sexually adventurous variety). It tells a story of a girl's ability to seek support and guidance in spite of her fears and anxiety. And the single appearance of "scrotum" has lit a firestorm of censorship against the entirety of the book?

Lick my scrotum. That's the lamest excuse for censorship that I've heard in a while.

Can You Keep A Secret?

2007-02-21T18:02:00.000-04:00

Hey, have you heard the big news? "The Secret" is out ... and it's changing lives. I know, it's amazing isn't it? Well, no ... it isn't. The truth is that "The Secret" is just one more marketing ploy by self-help gurus to gain the trust of the desperate, the poor, the lonely, and the ill. It's also great for fleecing the easily impressed of whatever cash they're willing to part with.

Ever since I was a little kid, I've seen these "experts" appearing on television to help us po' folk out of our ruts and join them in the upper echelons of society. Having trouble making ends meet? They've got "experts" for that. Having trouble losing weight or just feeling self-conscious about your appearance? They've got "experts" for that. Have trouble meeting that special someone or even a special anyone? They've got "experts for that? All you have to do is point to some aspect of your life that you consider negative and fear not because they've got an "expert" for that too. Everyone's a friggin' expert if you look closely enough at the book store's shelves or see the infomercials on television.

Make more money. Fit into that dress. Find the perfect woman. All your heart's desires can come true, and all you have to do is invest in what these "experts" are telling you. Why, it's so simple you'd be a fool not to buy. Right? I mean, if Oprah's willing to buy into this stuff then it must work.

I tune into Oprah Winfrey's show about twice a year or so. And that's usually just because she's got a celebrity interview that I'm interested in seeing, and those are almost always a comedian of some kind (Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Billy Crystal, Jon Stewart, etc). So pardon me for missing the episode where she turned her talk show into a sixty-minute infomercial for the newest new-age craze, "The Secret".

What is that secret exactly? Well gather round, children, and let me tell you a tale.

A long, long time ago, it was discovered that there existed a secret to attaining wealth and prosperity. It was such a coveted secret that powerful people tried to keep it to themselves and guarded it vehemently against their enemies and anyone they deemed undeserving of the secret. And this secret has been hidden in the shadows for centuries ... until now.

The secret revolves around what's called "the Law of Attraction." It boils down to this - whatever your mind conceives, happens. Like attracts like, is one way of looking at it. Whatever your mind is thinking about most is what happens. "Thought becomes things." Apparently our minds dictate our reality. Drowning in debt? Morbidly obese? Can't land a husband? It's all because your mind is preoccupied on the negatives associated with those things and making them come true. If you keep thinking that you're going to miss the morning bus to work, then guess what? "The Law of Attraction" is going to make it that way.

Sound a little crazy? Well, that's because it is. The cabal of self-help gurus that appear in "The Secret" DVD all pound that idea into your head for well over an hour. They show alleged real examples of how the law of attraction works for the average person. A guy gets persecuted and harassed at work because he's gay, then gets heckled at comedy clubs when he attends Amateur Night. Well, according to The Secret, he wasn't getting harassed at work because his coworkers were homophobes, but because he was constantly thinking about being harassed. And he wasn't getting heckled at Amateur Night because he was a terrible comic, but because he was thinking about being heckled. See how the law of attraction works?

Everything bad going on in your life is your fault. It's just that simple. So, how do you like them apples?

Pretty rotten apples, if you ask me. And that gay guy is just one ludicrous example posited by these gurus. They get into even crazier territory as the DVD continues. I'm not going to review the whole thing because I just don't have the time and energy to try and rip that schlock down to it's foundation. If you want to see it though, it's floating around on torrent sites. There's even several snippets of it on sites like YouTube as well. Give it a look and you'll see what I mean.

The thing that got me though when I read about this was that Oprah invited these guys on her show and pretty much got her minions of housewives to buy into it as well. The same woman that brought "A Million Little Pieces" author, James Frey, onto her show for a public hanging because some of his memoirs were fictional (God forbid an author take creative license in telling a story). That same woman had a gang of gurus on her stage preaching the gospel of how thought bubbles are zapping around the universe like radio waves and changing our reality. She did this apparently without so much as a single counter argument. It was just a big ol' love fest that sounds more like a commercial for Ginsu knives. Well, at least the knives do what they're supposed to.

The people schilling "The Secret" are little more than glorified con artists, preying on weak minded flocks that will be easily swayed into subscribing to this belief. And to get introduced to this secret, all they have to do is pay $5US to watch the movie online, or pay $30US to order the DVD. What a bargain. And then, once you know the secret and it's potential, then you can start ordering the books and attending the seminars of all these gurus to learn even more about the secret. And then, once you've spent all your money, and opted for the law of attraction over proven medical treatments to cure cancer, and basically driven yourself to the point of no return ... then you'll know where the Secret's true power lies.

I say, a secret like that ... you can keep it.

The Half-Hour Snooze Hour

2007-02-20T20:03:00.000-04:00

Leave it to FOX to find a way to screw up satirical comedy. Yeesh. Maybe I'm too quick to judge, but when a debut episode is so spectacularly unfunny as what the "Half-Hour News Hour" gave us, am I so wrong to be pessimistic?

I haven't been able to see the debut episode in it's entirety, but I've managed to see segments of the show on YouTube and other sites. I really wanted to think that this could be a genuinely funny show. I mean, the premise is simple enough - a comedy show aimed at satirizing the media and public figures. How hard is it to fuck that up? SNL's Weekend Update, This Hour Has 22 Minutes, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and other shows have all managed to do it to varying degrees of hilarity. Yet, the Half-Hour News Hour hit a slow grounder to first base in their debut episode.

I had one or two forced chuckles, but that's about it. The entirety of the show was not only written quite poorly, but the actors/comedians playing their roles were just plain awful. And holy crap, what is up with the canned laughter? I wasn't even aware that shows used that generic laugh-track anymore. Didn't that hoaky gimmick die out with Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Caroline Rhea's self-respect?

I don't know if this show is a weekly show or daily. For FOX's sake, I hope it's weekly. The more time this show is given to find some jokes that are actually funny, the better. That being said, I shouldn't be too hopeful about a comedy show created by the same guy who created 24. Talk about being out of your realm.

Bush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter demonstrate why they've never hosted SNL.

Barack Obama's college nickname was "Gassy". (Insert canned laughter here)

Parody/Satire Is Tricky: Part Two

2007-02-14T23:09:00.002-04:00

When I left off in Part One of this rant, I was talking about feedback. Writing a satirical column seems to provoke more responses from readers than anything I've ever written before. I can't explain it, it's just something that people seem compelled to respond to whether positively or negatively. This week has brought about a particularly interesting bit of feedback from a specific individual.

Last week on the LoP Forums, RIPBossman posted a column containing an interview that he managed to score with TNA wrestler, Brother Runt. As soon as I saw that an LoP columnist had managed to get a wrestler of reasonable notoriety, I knew I had to lampoon it. The whole segment seemed to be such a natural reaction for the Boss Report. How could such an egocentric and opinionated columnist like Boss Foxx let another columnist upstage him on LoP? The chance to poke fun at this was too much to resist. It just fit the character perfectly and I knew exactly how to pull it off.

I remembered an episode of the Colbert Report where Stephen Colbert wanted to interview Congressman Tom DeLay as part of his “Better Know A District” segment. Since in real life he couldn't get the interview, he did an “exclusive fake interview” by splicing footage from several Tom DeLay interviews with various networks and creating a satirical segment. The whole idea of a journalist twisting an interviewee's words to push their own agenda is not unheard of, and Colbert pulled off the segment brilliantly. And while I am nowhere near as comically gifted as Stephen Colbert, I knew that I was at least up to the task of making the column segment up to par with the rest of my comic offerings.

The following Sunday, I post the column. Everyone seems to be enjoying the column and comparing it to other fake interviews that have been done, includind the one of the Colbert Report, as well as the ones conducted by “Weird” Al Yankovic and “Space Ghost: Coast 2 Coast”. I even got a compliment from RIPBossman for lampooning his column. However, he was concerned that Brother Runt wouldn't find it as funny as he or anyone else. He asked me if I'd e-mail Brother Runt and make sure that there wasn't a misunderstanding on the intent of my column. To be honest, I thought this to be unnecessary. Not only was the fake interview very clearly labeled as just that, but the introduction to the column should have left no doubt that I was parodying RIPBossman's interview. But as a courtesy, I figured I'd just send the e-mail and be done with it. I even included a preemptive apology just in case the guy actually was offended by the satirical piece.

The next day, I check my inbox and I've got a reply from Brother Runt. That was quick, I thought. It took RIPBossman a hell of a long time apparently to get Runt's answers e-mailed back due to the wrestler's hectic schedule. Though it wasn't specified in his reply, I assume he took the time to read my column via the link I provided in my e-mail. At any rate, he did not like it and also expressed how he not only though poorly of me, but also thought less of RIPBossman and LoP as a whole. To be honest, I was a little saddened and a little confused by the e-mail. Slightly saddened that Brother Runt took offense to my column, but also confused that he'd also spread his offense to the people who had nothing to do with the column, namely RIP.

Here is RIP's column. Here is my column. (EDIT: I've since removed the fake interview parody from the column as a courtesy. A revised version will be added to the Boss Report's blog later in the week, which should be less likely to offend.) The two columns are completely independent of one another. I had nothing to do with RIP's efforts to interview Brother Runt, and RIP had nothing to do with efforts to parody that interview. To me, it seems that Brother Runt's negativity towards RIP would be like Tom DeLay getting mad at the reporters whose footage of their legitimate interviews for the purpose of satire. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, in my opinion. Perhaps Brother Runt doesn't see individuals here, and has just decided to knee-jerk a reaction towards everyone associated with LoP. I don't mind him being negative towards me, but the guy should demonstrate a better attitude than to simply lump RIP and everyone else in the same boat as me. I've been told that Brother Runt is a really nice guy in real life and has a good sense of humor, but his comments towards RIP and LoP demonstrate the opposite, as far as I'm concerned.

Heck, even the fact that he took offense to the parody strikes me as odd. Maybe he's just not used to that side of being a celebrity and public figure. He's supposedly a guy who is very passionate about the industry he works in, and the idea that some scrub mark on the Internet parodied an interview he submitted to in good faith must have touched a nerve. Everyone loves a joke, but not many can take a joke when they're part of the punchline. I wonder how offended other wrestlers get when they're on the receiving end of satire or jokes. Are they as quick to paint negativity with such a broad brush? And specifically, do celebrities that find themselves being one of the unwitting foils in an “exclusive fake interview” take such offense? Did Jessica Simpson or Kevin Federline hurl negative comments towards VH1 when Weird Al did his fake interviews? Did Bjork and Jerry Springer react that way towards Comedy Central when the Space Ghost episodes aired? Heck, how about Tom DeLay's reaction towards Comedy Central that airs the Colbert Report?

I'm a big boy. I can take criticism, but I just think it's unfair that the guy is lumping RIPBossman and all of LoP in with me because he basically couldn't take a joke. That's something I'm even more sorry for, and expressed as much to RIP. That's how I feel about it anyway, but then again, what do I know ... I'm just a mark.

Parody/Satire Is Tricky: Part One

2007-02-14T22:04:00.001-04:00

I'm a columnist. I'm an amateur pro wrestling columnist to be specific. I've been writing columns dedicated to wrestling since 2001. What can I say – I love wrestling, I love writing. I finally got back into writing columns again on a regular basis back in July of last year. LoP's owner, Calvin Martin, contacted me about rejoining the main page as a contributing columnist and I accepted. I had posted columns on the main page for a few months back in '02 under the handle of Valleyboy. I quit late that summer, but started writing columns again in the spring of '04. After coming back though, my “passion” for writing columns had diminished. I just didn't have any real motivation to write on a regular basis, so I relegated myself to simply posting the odd column whenever inspiration would strike.

Last July when Calvin contacted me about coming back, I was a little hesitant since I wasn't sure if I could be bothered to write again on a regular basis. I was quite content to simply plod along with sporadic columns in the Columns Forum of the LoP Forums. Then I started wondering if there might be a way I could rekindle my interest in writing about wrestling again. That's when the idea hit me.

For quite some time, I'd considered the majority of columns dedicated to wrestling to be less than provoking. Most of them seemed to echo the same talking points over and over. Most of them were written by very opinionated people who took their views on wrestling as gospel and dispelled any and all critics. It also didn't help matters that most columnists seem to follow a very cut-and-dry format when writing – something that I've been guilty of on more than one occasion. It was the thought that I could potentially lampoon these columnists that got me thinking about becoming a regular columnist again. I enjoy writing columns with a humorous twist in them, so the thought of writing a column that not only poked fun at wrestling, but the people that wrote about it as well, really struck my interest.

At that point, I instantly thought of Comedy Central's “The Colbert Report”. A comedy that parodies politics and current events, while also poking fun at the journalists and pundits that report it. I could basically do a column that was thoroughly derivative of this format. Satirical humor has always been something that I've been drawn to, as one of my all-time favorite shows has been “This Hour Has 22 Minutes” on CBC, which is a satirical show about Canadian current events. I thought, why not do a wrestling version of this. Lords knows that the IWC was ripe with material for me to poke fun at. The columns would practically write themselves. So that's what I did. I ran with the “Boss Report” concept and satirized wrestling topics while also finding time to parody the likes of “The Ross Report” and other columns that have come down the pipe.

The funniest thing to me in all of this may be the feedback that I receive from readers. While I get e-mails from people who either appreciate my style and attempts at humor, and those that don't find me to be funny at all and suggest I spend time writing more serious columns, there's another and possibly equal number of people who have an entirely different reaction. Those folks somehow believe that the Boss Foxx character in the columns is a genuine guy, thinking that all of the outlandish and clearly ludicrous statements in my column are to be taken seriously and are not the least bit in jest. Through that type of feedback, I find myself wondering if wrestlers feel the same as I do when they're approached by wrestling fans who have totally bought into the characters they portray in the ring. Heck, some wrestlers have even received death threats through the decades because fans have been sucked into the fantasy of wrestling so much that they have trouble distinguishing the real from the unreal. I count myself as lucky that no reader has been so incensed by my parodies that he's felt compelled to threaten my life. But even if, I'm still having a blast writing the Boss Report.

Reverend WillyJust Might Be A Menace

2007-02-13T00:12:00.000-04:00

I'm a wrestling fan, so I frequent sites dedicated to the subject. Talk with "my own kind", you might say. I'm an aspiring writer, so I frequent sites dedicated to the subject. Talk with "my own kind" again. I'm an atheist, so I also frequent sites dedicated to that. You know the rest. So, in my rounds (I've got a handful of bookmarks that I check out once a day), I come across a story of an atheist mother down in the States that really caught my eye.

Pharyngula, a science blog run by PZ Myers, mentioned an essay written by the daughter of an atheist. The essay was a surprise one assigned to the elementary school class in the days leading up to Christmas break. Each student was asked by the teacher, "What do you want for Christmas?"

The atheist's kid in the class would go on to write an exceptional essay, which can be read HERE. It boiled down to the kid pointing out that while most of the other kids were writing Christmas wish lists, not all students in the class celebrate Christmas, as she notices the Muslim child and the Jewish child looking a little perplexed and the impoverished kid looking guilty for wishing any gifts at all for Christmas. The teacher read this essay and commended her for it with an A+, but also managed to inform the kid that she couldn't be an atheist because caring for others is not an atheist trait, but a Christian trait.

In the link provided, the mother (Possum Momma, aka Atheist in a mini van) takes exception to that fallacy. She contacts the teacher and they end up coming to an understanding with one another, and the teacher is particularly appreciate of getting to know a real-life atheist apparently. And then things start to go downhill from there.

A Baptist minister, going by the name of William, posts in the comments section of that entry. Without provocation, he condemns the mother for "deny[ing] your children the love that comes from choosing Christ" and that raising her in an atheist home is "morally reprehensible."

"It’s obvious that your daughter is already lost. You will allow her to spin off in to the darkness of atheism and all of those consequences?"

The mother defends her position and other visitors to the site jump to her defense as well, which inspires even more gems of vileness from Willy.

"I don’t have to know rapists to know that they sow the sins of evil ... I don’t have to assume that atheists are bad people. I can see the lack of Christ in their lives and how it impacts their spiritual lives. There may be some atheists who can feign morality, but they will not pass the judgement of God."

"... when you aren’t blinded by your atheism, you will see how these children are being abused and denied the only love that matters. God’s love!"

"I have read the rest of this blog and I think that we will find four possums with very black souls to account for."

"It is sad that such a mother with an illness would alienate her children from the structure of religion and the peace of heaven. When there mother dies, they will find no comfort. No one will be able to give them comfort because their mother will have turned them away from the people who want to help. I can not tell an atheist’s child that their parent is in heaven. It’s sad that their own mother wants to put them through grief like that." - this is reference to Possum Momma's lupus.

"In God’s eyes, rape is the same as denying God. I would even wager that God views denying him to be the bigger sin and will punish the atheist more than the rapist. The rapist might believe in God but be misled in his actions. The atheist knowingly denies God. The atheist commits the unforgivable sin. The rapist only sins towards his fellow man."

Another Baptist jumped into the fray with comments in defense of Possum Mamma and criticizing William's intolerance, which earned this reply ...

"My doctrine is not misguided. My doctrine is directly taken from the Word of the Lord. I do not pick and choose the verses that suit me in order to befriend the atheist. In supporting the atheist in her defiance, you are condoning her defiance and the sin counts against you. Have you attempted to witness to possummomma? Do you approve of the way she raises her children? Would you let her babysit your children? If you answer yes to any of the above, then you are guilty of helping her to sin and pass along the defiance of God."

William's conduct was such that even his wife had to intervene and contact Possum Mamma. An olive branch was extended to the atheist mother to join the minister's wife's Women's Group to discuss atheism with the group for better understanding. William found out about this and quickly vetoed his wife's attempt at diplomacy. The wife apologized to the mother saying that the risk of having an atheism in their circle of friends was a risk they couldn't afford to take ... like atheism is a disease that can spread like some communicable virus. Instead the minister's wife forwarded some questions to be answered by Possum Momma and read at the Women's Group. Get a load of these...

1. Why do you hate God?
2. Why do you hate Christians?
3. Why do you want to take our faith away?
4. If I could give you proof that God exists and Jesus was your savior, would you believe?

If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that it was ol' Willy that wrote those misguided straw-men questions. Then again, maybe the minister's wife has been so long exposed to William's intolerance and blind seething mistrust of atheism that the stuff has rubbed off on her as well. In fact, some of the comments that followed from William's wife showed not only a misunderstanding towards atheism, but a slightly disturbing view of how their household hierarchy is run.

"... my husband has the perfect amount of power over me. He has protected me for thirty years. I gladly submit to him."

"Submitting to your husband is what is commanded of females in the Bible."

Talk like that and I'd be expecting to see this woman walking down the street in a burka ... if allowed to walk down the street at all. In any case, William's wife is a good woman and not the one acting shamefully. That belongs solely to William in this case because he ups the ante later on. The details on Possum Mamma's blog were edited shortly after she hastily vented her frustrations on her blog towards William's actions. But it's been made clear that the old fool crossed the line.

I can't be certain, but I'd be willing to wager from what was said, that Reverend William decided to track down the child who wrote that essay in the first place. In his mind, she needed rescuing from her morally corrupt mother before it was too late. So he somehow learns the girl's bus route to and from elementary school. Remember, she's only a small child of about eleven years old. Thanks to the astute observation of an older boy in the area that the minister was following and/or accosting this young girl, the mother was informed and the police were called. Now William apparently has a order of protection against him for his oh-so ironic, morally reprehensible actions. Mind you, that this entire paragraph is pretty much conjecture on my part in piecing the story together from what was said. Still, William has shown himself to be a dangerous individual and his actions reflect badly upon his own family and his congregation. It's unclear if his congregation has been made aware of his actions, but I would hope that they have been. I would certainly not want to associate myself with a man as bereft as he is, and I'd like to think that they wouldn't either.

If I were the type to pray, I'd say a prayer for his wretched soul.

Atheism's Thirteen Biggest Flaws?

2007-02-12T00:05:00.000-04:00

You know it's interesting how different theists, particularly some of the "devout" Christians on the Internet, just don't believe atheism exists. According to some, I'm not even an atheist, but an agnostic. At any rate, I came across this article that lists thirteen flaws with atheism. I'm not entirely sure who it was that wrote it, but I'll put five bucks down on it being an Evangelical Christian. Presumptuous, I know, but I'll take my chances.

So, by reading these thirteen flaws, I think I'm supposed to come to the realization that I'm just not an atheist at all or it's downright silly of me to not be a theist (aka Christian). The thing is though, I was pretty unaffected by the whole diatribe. Whenever someone is being critical of atheism or atheists, I do my best to be open-minded and avoid shutting out ideas before hearing them. No different here, yet out of all thirteen you'd think there'd be something that would resonate with me. 'Fraid not.

The article basically looks at thirteen supposed assertions that are universal with atheism and then tries to grind them into dust, so to speak. As I was reading this, I found myself wondering just how sincere the author was when making this article because some of the assertions and blanket statements were just ... unimpressive.

1. "Atheism isn't a belief, but the lack of belief." - That's the first "myth" that the author tries to expose. For me, I've come across similar types of arguments that tend to boil down to people telling me that atheism is a religion, that atheism isn't really atheism at all, and that atheism is foolish and irrational. Here, the author basically says that by this statement, atheists are somehow attempting to immunize themselves from criticism for not believing in gods and other related mythology. By saying, "I don't believe in God," I'm basically asserting a belief in itself - the belief in a negative, essentially. I'm not a scholar, but to me it seems to be an argument of semantics. I don't believe in gods, I don't believe in UFOs, I don't believe in Santa Claus. To this guy, I'm saying that I believe there are no gods, I believe there are no UFOs, and I believe there is no Santa Claus. Rearrange the emphasis on the negative however you like, but to me it seems to boil down to exactly the same statement. If you want to say that my absence of belief in your god(s) is actually a belief itself, fine. Where's the flaw to be applied to me and my atheism?

2. "Atheism is not a - or has no - philosophy." - The argument against this one came off as a little muddled for me. Like I said, I'm not a scholar and I'm certainly not a genius.

"Atheists believe that there is no God. Therefore, they believe that all decisions made by the individual, the family and the government should be made without regard to religious dogma. That is a philosophy."

That's pretty much the nuts and bolts of it of what the guy is saying. At this point I'm starting to wonder if the guy is trying to point out flaws in atheism or just flaws in terminology. Maybe he's adding some other stuff along with my belief/non-belief to make it up into a philosophy. Here's my thing ... I'm an atheist because I don't believe in gods of any sort. So without the direct influence of any religious doctrine I go about in mapping out my philosophies in life. Is it because my atheism influences my philosophies that it becomes a philosophy itself? Muddled. Maybe someone has a more concise way of putting it.

3. "Atheism is supported by science." - The author dismisses this statement because there is no scientific evidence of any kind to support the theory that a god does or does not exist. With that in mind, he declares the quotation false. Perhaps it is, but I've never personally said that science supports atheism. I'd say that it influences atheism. Since I see no reason at all to believe that a god of any kind exists, I look at scientific research and see that the guys in lab coats and thick glasses haven't discovered a reason either. I'm more science-minded, you might say. The science isn't supporting my atheism so much as it's influencing it.

4. "Atheism is supported by logic." - Here's the one that I've been inundated with more than once with different phrasing. This is the part of the show where I'm told that I'm not an atheist, I'm an agnostic. That's because in order to be atheist, I'd have to have absolute knowledge in order to say that there is no God. This is why I suspect that the author is an Evangelical Christian, since this is always brought up to me (directly or indirectly) by EC's. Perhaps it's a misunderstanding somewhere along the line, I just don't know. I'm told that it's illogical for me too say, "There are no gods," because I don't have absolute knowledge and therefore can't say with 100% certainty that a god(s) doesn't exist. It's certainly true that I don't have absolute knowledge. I don't have anything close to resembling absolute knowledge. However, neither do those that do believe in god(s). Are they somehow not illogical in their belief? The argument is that the "only viable alternative to theism is actually agnosticism." How so? Agnosticism, as I understand it, is the stance that it is impossible to determine whether there exists a god(s). The logical alternative to agnosticism is the stance that it is knowable as to whether there is a god(s) or not. With that other side of the coin come the two arguments, God exists and God does not exist. Unless I'm mistaken, an agnostic is saying that he doesn't know if a god exists and will probably never know. I'm an atheist and I'm saying that while I am not absolutely certain that a god doesn't exist, there is absolutely nothing made available for me to believe that a god does exist, so I don't believe in gods. It sounds fairly logical to me. Am I wrong?

5. "The burden of proof is on theists." - "No, it isn't," was the first sentence to refute that. Wow, was the first reaction to that refutation. The guy quickly turns the table and says that the burden of proof is with the non-believer because - get this - the majority of the world believes that a god of some sort exists. Majority rule? That's the measure by which proof is sought? Someone tells me that a god exists, offers nothing in the way of proof that it exists, and points out that there are more people who believe it exists than those that do not. Then he tells me that it's up to me to prove that the god doesn't exist. Does this kind of logic work for everything? Let's look at it from another perspective. Quite some time ago, around 20% of Americans believed that UFOs existed. Recent polls suggest that the number of those who believe in UFOs has risen to about 35%. Am I do believe that should the number of people who believe in UFOs rise above 50% that the burden of proof is suddenly placed upon the non-believers? Gimme a break. Hell, I'd wager that there has been more submitted in way of evidence to be scrutinized by UFO believers than there has by believers in god(s). I'm sorry, but I'm not the one making the assertion that a mythical being exists, therefor the burden of proof does not rest at my feet.

6. "There is no evidence to support a belief in God." - Testimonials ... that's the evidence for the existence of God. This is where things get interesting a little bit to me because it's not just evidence for any god, but the God. Screw the rest, my God's the best. And I've got a majority of believers who back me up. That's the way the cookie crumbles, I guess. So testimonials are on the table? Meanwhile, how many children in the world are absolutely giddy in December about the impending arrival of Santa Claus. Countless testimonials of how Santa Claus has "touched their hearts" and "improved their lives." Normally, I'd refuse this kind of evidence, but they're testimonials. And who am I to refuse the testimony that he exists.
The author (whom I am nearly convinced at this point is an Evangelical Christian) says that the evidence lies in that...

"Millions claim that God has touched their hearts, cured their illnesses and improved their lives."

... and there's your evidence. I can say God helped the Colts win the Super Bowl 'til the cows come home. It's not exactly evidence though. Such an abstract assertions like "God has touched my heart" can't be considered evidence in even the most forgiving light. Cured illnesses? Improved lives? These might be referring to miracles. How many miracles are legitimately documented in the world? I wouldn't mind hearing some numbers on that one. It just seems to me that theists get their pants in a twist when they say that their god exists, and when asked to prove it, they're empty handed just like the kids out there that believe in Santa Claus. Their faith in their god is good enough for them and somehow become offended when it's not good enough for everyone else.

7. "Theists should believe in the Invisible Pink Unicorn." - This is a new one on me, but I suppose it must follow the same thread as the Flying Spaghetti Monster or the Teapot Orbiting The Sun. However, the argument that the author puts forth sticks staunchly to "God vs Invisible Pink Unicorn." He states ...

"The argument says that, since theists have no evidence that God exists, then they can't discount the existence of other "fictitious" Gods, such as-you guessed it-the Invisible Pink Unicorn. On closer examination, this argument actually goes against atheists. As I mentioned above, theists accept the testimony of others as valid evidence for the existence of God. Literally millions of people believe in God, pray to Him, worship Him, and claim that He has cured their illnesses and changed their lives. This can't be said of the Invisible Pink Unicorn, so theists don't believe in it."

... and that's all well and good for the poor pink unicorn, but what about Allah and some of the other more popular gods around the world. There's lots of testimony on their behalf as well. Is it just as valid as the testimony in favor of God? I'd wager that the Evangelical Christian in question would probably say no, since he appears to equate theist with Christian. What he might not understand is that atheists are not just disbelievers in God, but also in Allah, Vishnu, Zeus, Thor and every other god that has come along and will come along. Testimonials for one god is one thing, but testimonials for a wide variety of gods is quite another.

8. "Religion is the major cause of war." - I don't think I've ever said this. Something I have said though is, "Religion is a gun." See, I'm of the opinion that guns don't kill people, people kill people. The gun is innocuous until placed in the hands of man .... just like religion. The argument that the author brings is ...

"World leaders who want war have often tried to rally support from their people by tying the effort to their religious beliefs, but that has nothing to do with the real reasons for their wanting to go to war."

Real reasons aside, religion is still being used on occasion to cause war. It's stated right there in the quote that people will tie religious beliefs to their efforts to cause war. I've never submitted that religion, itself, has caused war. That would be like saying that the gun, itself, caused death. It's the person(s) wielding the gun that is causing harm. The same can be applied to religion, and I suspect that is the point that other atheists try to get across to theists who might think religion has never been used for anything other than good.

9. "The crusades and the inquisitions show that Christianity is evil." - More of the same from above. Christianity is not evil. Islam is not evil. Hinduism is not evil. These religions can be manipulated, however, to be used in evil ways. There's evidence to support that, and the author of the argument even concedes that when he says, "In any organization, there is potential for corruption." And while some might not like to believe it, religion is still a gun and can still be used to kill people to this day. Again ... it's not the gun that is evil, but the man wielding it.

10. "The majority of prisoners/criminals are theists." - The guy just flat out denies this assertion from the get-go by saying the prisoners being polled are untrustworthy because they are, after all, criminals. The thing I wonder is just how much preference is given to prisoners that are religious over prisoners that aren't. I mean, is it such a hindrance to be atheist or agnostic in prison that you'd feel the need to lie in an effort to make yourself more appealing? You're already in prison, is what I'm getting at. Is the claim of being Christian or Jewish or whatever going to give you a remarkable advantage in getting an early release? At any rate, the stats from the US Federal Bureau of Prison's 1997 study concluded that out of nearly 75,000 inmates (around 80% of the known prison population), 39% were Catholic, 35% were Protestant, 7% were Muslim, and 0.2% were atheist. People can deny it all they like, but the numbers are there. Compare those numbers with the numbers of the rest of the American population. Approximately 75% of the population being Christian (not even taking into consideration other theists such as Muslims) compared to around 8-16% being atheist. Even when taking into account the ratios, there are more theists in prison than atheists. That's not to say that theists are somehow more immoral and/or deviant that atheists, but it helps refute the claims that atheists are by default immoral and/or deviant. If atheists were, there'd be far more in prison, I suspect.

11. "Christians have a higher divorce rate than do atheists." - This time, the author doesn't even attempt to refute the numbers that show divorce rates among Christians/theists is higher than with atheists. Instead, he throws out the argument that atheists are by default immoral. He says, "... atheists have fewer divorces because of their changeable standards of morality." Oh boy. He even makes up the hypothetical of an atheist husband discovering his wife is having an affair and considering the option that cheating is okay. Really? *tilts head* REALLY? Just to be clear ... when an atheist gets married, he/she isn't doing so lightly or frivolously any more than a theist. Throwing out the wild accusation that atheists are inherently immoral, and therefore more likely to condone cheating, is just plain irresponsible. It's the simple misunderstanding of an atheist's moral values (many theists seem to believe that atheists have none). His argument boils down to saying atheists aren't getting divorced as much as Christians because atheists are so immoral that cheating husbands and wives are too busy enjoying promiscuous sex with other partners to bother divorcing their significant others ... we're all just so damned happy to have a spouse that cheats on us because it gives us license to cheat ourselves. [sarcasm]Sounds completely logical, doesn't it.[/sarcasm]

12. "Atheists do good deeds because it's the right thing to do, while Christians do them because they want to go to Heaven." - The argument against this is more of that "atheists are immoral" with some added "they believe in evolutionary theory" for good measure. Now, there is no denying that these are the arguments of an Evangelical Christian. I'd be utterly shocked to learn different. You know why I do good deeds? It boils down to the "golden rule". Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. There's lots of ways to spin it, but that's the paraphrasing that I'm most familiar with. While I agree that the statement being argued against is an unfair blanket statement towards all Christians, there's no denying that there exist Christians who do subscribe to that reward policy known as Heaven. The thing is, however, that these thirteen "flaws" are supposed to be pointed squarely at atheists instead of attempting to debunk generalized statements about Christians. At this point, it should be quite clear that these thirteen flaws have been fabricated straw-man arguments intended to do nothing more than spread misinformation concerning atheism as a whole.

13. "Can your all-powerful God create a rock that is too heavy for Him to move?" - Paradoxical questioning is what I guess this guy is rallying against now. The funny thing for this Christian is that the best straight-up answer I've ever heard for that specific question came from a Muslim of all people. Go figure. At any rate, this is not some kind of crutch that atheists cling to to "disprove God". Maybe if we thought all Christians were as easily foiled as that robot on Star Trek, then perhaps. I just can't imagine any self-respecting atheist thinking they're going to stump a theist with these little schoolyard riddles. Oh ... and for those curious, the Muslim said, Yes, God can create a rock too heavy to move ... Just in case you were wondering.

So there they are the thirteen biggest flaws to atheism. My god, what a fool I was. Oh wait. No I wasn't. Because all these thirteen flaws were nothing more than straw-men propped up for an Evangelical Christian to poke at with a stick like they were pinatas. If these are atheism's biggest flaws then atheists have nothing to worry about.

Atheism vs Theism

2007-02-09T16:07:00.000-04:00

I'm an atheist. Haven't really felt the need to point that out in real life, but it seems to be putting me on the defensive here on the web. In my day-to-day life, my atheism really doesn't come into play or face much scrutiny. I have friends who are Christians, a couple that are Jewish, some more that are agnostic, others that are atheists, and I even got to meet a Wiccan once. At no point in my real life is my morality called into question due to the fact that I don't believe in a god. Perhaps that is because I live in Canada, or perhaps it is because my circle of friends is just tolerant and no one takes issue with anyone else's moral values and spiritual beliefs (or absence of).

On the Internet though, it's becoming a different story all together. Years ago, after casually revealing that I am an atheist, I was introduced to a side of religion that I had no real experience with - persecution. Actually, that word is most likely a bit strong to describe the initial responses. Oh ... here's an interesting word that could more accurately describe what ensued from various online entities - bedevilment.

be·dev·il [bi-dev-uhl]
-- verb (used with object), -iled, -il·ing or (especially British) -illed, -il·ling.
-- to torment or harass maliciously or diabolically, as with doubts, distractions, or worries.

I'm not much of a wordsmith, but I'd say that's a pretty good word to go with until something better comes along.

After letting it be known that I did not believe in God - any gods at all, frankly - I somehow became a kind of target for judgment by assorted Christians ... at least they refer to themselves as Christians, but who am I to argue. It suddenly became abundantly important to them that I be made aware that; a) I was going to Hell, 2) I was not really an atheist, I was agnostic, 3) I hated Christianity, 4) I was immoral, 5) or any combination of those four and/or more.

For a happy-go-lucky guy like me, getting inundated with rhetoric such as this took me aback. No one in real life ever talked like this to me or anyone I knew. I naturally assumed that it was isolated to the Internet, which is widely believed (especially years ago) to be the stomping grounds of lunatics and conmen, while sane people like me and my friends were the "vast minority". It would seem that I am mistaken, as there appears to be a growing intolerance towards spiritual beliefs (or absence of) ... particularly religious plurality.

Here's the thing. If you're a Christian, good for you. I'm an atheist. Nice to meet you. If you want to believe in that kind of thing, that's your business, and it's a very popular business since a very large fraction of the planet believes in some sort of "higher power". I don't share your beliefs, but I'm not going to condemn you for holding those beliefs. I may criticize your beliefs and debate them when opportunity presents itself, but I'm not a head hunter. I don't go around standing on a soapbox, preaching atheism, and telling everyone who is not an atheist that they are a damned fool. That would be somewhat arrogant on my part, I believe. That being said, I absolutely believe discussing religion in a critical manner is fair game.

Is telling someone that they are immoral, going to Hell, hate Christianity/Christians, and immoral fair game when it is based on nothing more than the observation that they don't subscribe to your belief system? If someone is going to start in with stuff like that then they better back it up with something a little more substantial than merely pointing out that I'm an atheist. That may be asking too much from some folks, however.

To be clear, I am unconcerned with the prospect of Hell and/or eternal damnation. Since I don't believe in a god, it's reasonable to conclude that I don't believe in Hell either. It would probably more effective to condemn me to Florida, as I am not a fan of hot and humid weather, hurricanes, alligators, or over-priced theme parks.

Allow me to also point out that I actually am an atheist, not an agnostic. I used to be agnostic. I also used to be a Baptist. I stopped going to church and Sunday school when I was 12-years-old, which is around the time when I stopped fervently believing in God and opened myself to the possibility that there was no God or gods at all. When I turned seventeen, I was pretty much atheist, but didn't make a big deal about it. At seventeen, spiritual matters were not weighing heavily on my mind. It came later in my college years and afterwards that I really decided to explore why I didn't believe in God anymore. Sufficed to say, I am not completely opposed to the idea of a god existing. I simply don't subscribe to a single interpretation of who or what "God" is, and I see no reason to believe in one simply by default. I guess I'm just too devoid of "faith" when it comes to believing in the supernatural. Heck, I don't know anyone personally that believes in Allah, Zeus, Vishnu, Thor, Isis, or any other of the countless gods that have come and gone in the span of recorded history. Is it really so unreasonable that I not believe in a Christian god either?

Oh, and by the way ... I don't hate Christianity or Christians. That's just plain ludicrous. My absence in belief of a Christian god in no way demonstrates a malice towards the religion or those that adhere to it. I don't believe the Loch Ness Monster. Is it to be concluded that I hate the Loch Ness Monster and those that do believe in it? Of course not.

Finally, I may not be a paragon of virtue, but I have zero problems comparing my moral compass with that of anyone else on this planet. To say that I am immoral solely because I do not believe in god(s) has to be one of the most ridiculous accusations hurled in my direction ... ever. If you are one of the people in this world that actually believe that atheists are inherently immoral, I would really have to say that your line of thinking is severely stunted.

Oh yeah. I've got a blog.

2006-12-01T21:07:00.000-04:00

Damn, it's been a while since I visited this thing. I should dust it off this winter. Maybe.

Things I've Thought About On Sept. 11

2006-09-11T19:25:00.000-03:00

- Scarlett Johannson gets drunk and walks into her neighbor's house. Why am I not Scarlett Johannson's neighbor?

- Is Lindsay Lohan even trying anymore? Between the photos of her sans panties or the ones of her sans bra, I'm convinced that she's given up on trying to convince people that she's not a complete whore. Good for her.

- Why is Paris Hilton still alive? A girl with her IQ should have fallen down a well by now. Someone give her a handgun and tell her it's a hair dryer... that oughtta do the trick.

- Heath Ledger is going to be "The Joker" in the next Batman movie. Well, so much for getting through a theater-sitting of a Batman movie without hearing an onslaught on Brokeback Mountain jokes.

- Charisma Carpenter as the new "Wonder Woman? Now THAT'S what I call casting. Joss Whedon proves once again that he's not an idiot.

- MTV VMAs were fucking horrid this year. I only watched bits and pieces, and it figured that I missed the brightspot that was Sarah Silverman's appearance. And someone needs to burn in hell for coming up with "Ringtone of the Year". Fuckers.

- I still suck fantasy football apparently.

- Why is rock music so god damned horrible these days. I swear rock died at Woodstock '99 and hasn't been seen since. Thank you very much, Fred Durst. Ass.

- When is "bling" going to be removed from today's venacular? If I have to hear one more vacuous, blonde tramp utter that word as she intros the latest fluff piece about celebrities and their pets' jewelry, I'm probably going to drown a kitten.

- It's hard to believe that it's been five years since politicians weren't acting like complete assholes and actually did some work... and all it took was a world-wide tragedy. I hate terrorists almost as much as partisan bullshit.

Bigger, Longer, and Online

2006-09-08T17:53:00.000-03:00

I <3 South Park. And after this was brought to my attention, I just had to share. Here's the entire South Park movie that's been uploaded into an embedded player. That must have taken forever to upload.

South Park Bigger Longer and Uncut
Uploaded by tuomas

Pat Robertson Shouldn't Throw Stones

2006-09-01T01:47:00.000-03:00

Rev. Pat Robertson has been talking shit about the Muslims again on his bible thumper network. Namely, the old coot was making it to be that Islam was an inherently violent religion rather than one of peace. It all came about when one of his cronies read a pre-screened letter on air for Robertson to lend him discheveled wisdown. The question asked, "Some Muslims say that Islam is a religion of peace. But I don't believe that. I've seen parts of the Quran on the Internet that tell Muslims to 'kill all unbelievers.' What's the difference between Islam and the 'radical Islamic extremists?' Do you believe we're fighting a war with Islam?"

Here's a sampling of what Robertson's response was...

"... the truth is is that Islam means submission -- that's the term. It doesn't mean peace, it means submission... You convert at the point of the sword. That's what Muhammad said, if you find an unbeliever and if he will convert and give alms and let him go in peace, and if not, you're to kill him. That's what the Quran says... I would think Osama bin Laden may be one of the true disciples of the teaching of the Quran but you know because he's following through literally word-for-word what it says."

Wow. Talk about calling the kettle black. Pat Robertson should look in the mirror before accusing other religious leaders of preaching hate and intolerance and violence. He should also get his facts straight, as Islam actually does mean "peace" through "submission" to Allah. The way that old codger would have the bumbling hillbillies that actually buy his shit and call it ice-cream, Islam is some barbaric and warring religion. What folks need to realize is that Islam and Christianity are basically two shades of the same color, and anything that can be quoted from the Quaran to incriminate it, can also be done to the Bible. It'd be interesting to see Robertson address the violence of Islam while simultaneously addressing the violence of Christianity... 'cause, even for a backwater hick like me, it's plain to see that there are some glaring parrallels between the two.

For a guy that prayed for the deaths of US Supreme Court Justices, and also called for the assassination of Venezualian leader, Robertson sure likes to criticize other people for promoting violence.

I Can See Why Bill Likes Him So Much

2006-08-29T15:00:00.000-03:00

Bill O' Reilly is an asshole. No denying that, so when he's taking time off from his show to sexually harass employees it makes sense that he get a replacement that has no chance of taking his spot from him full-time. That's where John Kasich comes in.

John Kasich is easily one of the dumbest sacks of shit that FOX News has on their payroll. The guy tried to stir the pot by inventing a controversy over the Emmys making fun of the folks that sign his cheques. The pathetic attempts at portraying FOX News as some kind of victim to slander from Hollywood was sad enough, pointing out how Conan had a quick line comparing the network to Comedy Central's Daily Show and Colbert Report, but then he really goes off the deep end.

The ignorant dipshit actually says that the most controversial moment was during the opening montage where Conan O' Brien is in a plane that crashes. Kasich, who may be borderline retarded, failed to note that it was obvious parody to the hit show, "Lost", and chided the Emmys and NBC for making light of a plane crash in Kentucky that happened that very night.

John Kasich has reached a new level of assholery with that propoganda. Fuck you, you talented hack. NBC allowed several more shots at themselves than FOX News on Sunday night, so you can quit the pissing and moaning, and you can rot in Hell for trying to paint some misleading and ignorant story about the "Lost" parody. You are nearing Ann Coulter levels of fiendishness with lies and untruths like that.

For kicks, here the opening montage of this year's Emmys, including that "terrible" scene of the plane crash.

White Minority?

2006-08-28T21:39:00.000-03:00

Pat Buchanan is a bit of a nut. Give him a soapbox to stand on and he becomes and even bigger nut. I could only imagine if this guy were a Canadian. He'd be calling for a wall to be built between Ontario and Quebec to keep the French out of the English speaking parts of Canada. He's just that nutty.

He's got a book out now apparently that helps amplify the propoganda of how much a conscious threat illegal immigration is. It's an invasion to "steal away" American culture and land. He threatens that if America doesn't take an incredibly sharp turn towards Crazytown, America will be a country that will have just as many people speaking Spanish as English... along with a bunch more rhetoric.

I can certainly understand the want to curb illegal immigration, as it is a very serious issue. To paint it as something that it's not though is just irresponsible and classic strategy on the part of politicians. I live in Canada, and living in a country with two prodminantly disctinct cultures isn't as "end of the world" as Pat Buchanan would like people to believe.

Would Someone Kill Kevin Federline Already?

2006-08-24T16:22:00.000-03:00

Honestly, I know celebrities are just vacuous shells that prance around on television for our amusement and deserve no real attention beyond that, but I can't help but loathe the existence of Mr. Britney Spears.

Hollywood is full of talentless sacks of shit, and has been for a long, long time. I know this. There's just something about a greasy, wigger, deadbeat dad, no-talent sack of piss like K-Fed, who can garner money and fame for nothing more than conning Britney Spears into marrying him and spawning his viral seed, which just irritates me on a level that it has no business of being capable.

He brags about his GED. He brags about Britney financially supporting him now that he's broke. He brags about his shitty album. He brags about how he and Britney are glaringly incapable of raising a child without supervision from her mother. Hell, he would brag about how many kittens he could drown in a day if he could get away with it.

Thanks to this guy, Britney's vagina is now so cavernous it echoes. And that's the lightest of the charges against this douchebag. Whackjobs have assassinated great men like John Lennon, JFK, and Martin Luther King, yet no one seems to have a bullet with this guy's name on it. And that might be the biggest crime of all.

New Column, "Cut and Run"

2006-08-23T14:34:00.000-03:00

Everytime I hear about people wanting American troops brought home from Iraq, I always seem to hear that lame catchphrase rebuttal a few seconds later, "Cut and Run".

The war on Iraq is over. It's been over for years now. American troops aren't fighting a war against Iraq anymore. They're fighting their way through a country that is ripe with civil war. Saddam Hussein is locked away, his regime is dismantled, and a new "democratic" government is in place. It's time for the Bush Administration to just pat themselves on the back and start executing an exit strategy. It's not a "cut and run" when you've already won the war. It's just called "going home".

Now, I'm not saying that the States should just abandon Iraq and forget about it. What I'm saying is that the States have bigger fish to fry and their resources are better served by looking at bigger enemies than the insurgents in Iraq. Shit, Iraq wasn't that big of a threat in the first place, but that's an old hat.

By the by, got a new column up this week. It's a bit dated now that SummerSlam has come to pass, but whatever. Click HERE to read it.

George Allen is a Racist, Other Unsurprising Things

2006-08-18T01:22:00.000-03:00

I didn't have a clue what "Mucaca" meant until the blogs went to town on Senator George Allen's ass after he called an Indian-American what turned out to be a racial slur. Hell, if it hadn't been made clear that the word is a derogatory term used to describe Northern Africans by white folks in the region, and that Allen's mom is apparently from Tunisia or some shit, I'd have just passed off the name-calling as your run-of-the-mill redneck penchant for inventing words that don't make a lick of sense.

So now that Allen's been outed as a closet racist, he and all his cronies are running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to cover their tracks and create new excuses on how it wasn't meant as a racial slur. Anyone who buys that bullshit is truly one grade "A" sucker. Shit... I should move down their and run for senator on a platform of womanizing and baby shaking.

Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is banned from Justin Timberlake's CD release party because she's just too much of a drunken whore. Frankly, this is win-win. Justin avoids the temptation of touching that coke whore, contracting some new super-strong venerial disease. Lindsay avoids another shitty Justin Timberlake concert.

Paris Hilton bought the cemetary plot next to Marilyn Monroe... for her goat. Would someone just shoot this bitch already?

No one except for other Scientologists have seen Tom Cruise's kid. $5 says it's a "Tickle Me" Elmo with Tom's face pasted on it.

New Column, Kate Hudson Is Single

2006-08-15T13:57:00.000-03:00

Yay. Kate Hudson is gonna be a single woman again. Re-add her to the fantasy pile. I used to fawn over that chick back when "Almost Famous" was in theaters. Then I found out she was shacked up with that Black Crows singer, Strawman McGee. That really killed a lot of sex appeal, like when I learned Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas has a penis. That sort of stuff tends to curtail any potential of being in the fantasy pile.

Jessica Alba still tops my list, but Kate Hudson is gaining fast.

Oh yeah, new column on LoP. Click HERE to read it.

Wii > PS3

2006-08-11T21:38:00.000-03:00

I'm not a huge gaming geek. I didn't buy a PS2 until '02 because I couldn't be bothered to pay the outrageous prices they were selling them for at the time of their launch. It's the same thing all over again with the new next gen consoles. I'll be damned before I spend more than $500 on a gaming system that doesn't even include a memory card and game. Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo can all collectively fuck themselves with big rubber fists if they think otherwise.

That being said, the hype surrounding them is still fun to watch. And parody clips posted by fans on YouTube are little gems sometimes. Like this one. Enjoy.

KITH: Wanna Go See A Dead Body?

2006-08-08T18:05:00.000-03:00

Even more funny for you to enjoy.

New Column, I Miss Star Trek

2006-08-07T02:02:00.000-03:00

I'm far from ever calling myself a Trekkie... or Trekker, or whatever the blue-cheese fuck it is those bastards call themselves. I am a fan of the franchise though. I enjoyed watching every series. Well, not so much that "Deep Space Nine" show. That one was just kind of lame for me from day one.

I didn't memorize every trivial detail and obsess constantly like the more devout fans do. I don't have the kind of energy... outside of professional wrestling. I don't by the books, action figures, or other merch. I watch the shows and I figure that's good enough to call myself a fan.

"Enterprise" was starting to take root in my fandom. Even Scott Bakula shitty acting was tolerable, so long as Jolene Blalock or Linda Park were in a scene. I needed some kind of distraction from his anti-charisma and cardboard acting after all.

Maybe it's time that the producers or whoever was in charge of the franchise should start thinking about starting up a new series. Not right away, no need to rush. Something new and challenging. Give it a couple years to find the right formula and get to casting... but for Christ's sake stay away from the horrible 80's washout actors. Bakula was fine in "Quantum Leap", but that was a long fucking time ago. I have no desire to see Alan Thicke or David Hasselhoff in a Star Fleet uniform at any point in this lifetime, thank you very much.

Oh, and a new Boss Report is up. Click HERE to check it out.

Move Over Tara Reid

2006-08-03T01:21:00.000-03:00

There is a new washed out whore in town, and her name is Lindsay Lohan. I thought Tara Reid was the biggest fall from grace of this generation of vacuous tarts in Hollywood... I may have been mistaken.

Lindsay Lohan has been on a steady track to becoming a complete professional failure for what must be a couple years now. "Mean Girls" was her key to the big time, but since then she really hasn't done anything in terms of work that hasn't been embarassingly bad. Her album was shit, and I don't think that came as a big surprise to anyone that heard her sing. Every movie that she has had a starring role in since "Mean Girls" has been a clusterfuck too. Tina Fey is the best thing to have ever happened to her career.

Now Lindsay has rebounded from her nauseating stint with anorexia and has moved on to become a complete coke whore of a mess. How bad is it?

Her record label has dropped her because she couldn't be bothered to tour or promote the album outside the U.S. And if that wasn't laughable enough, she is on a fast track to getting fired from her latest movie project and sued by the producers because she's too busy doing lines and playing "Who's Cock Is In My Mouth?" to even bother showing up on set.

This bitch is increasingly becoming Paris Hilton in her douche-baggery. I find it hard to believe that this girl had a brief stint at the top of my fantasy pile. How sad is that she was much more attractive when she was 18, and her teen years will probably end up being her best years? Sigh.

New Column, Kate Should Eat Something,

2006-07-31T22:05:00.000-03:00

Kate Bosworth has been the cutest blonde I've seen in a long time. And then she stopped eating. Fuck, have you seen pictures of her lately?

The girl needs to be hooked up to an IV or something to get some nourishment back in her fragile frame. She's nearing Paris Hilton territory with the rib count, and that's not a good thing. Frankly, it's kind of disgusting. If she's not anorexic or something, I'd be very surprised.

Anyway, this pic is how I choose to think of the l'il cutie pie. Skinny, but not scary skinny.

Oh yeah, I got a new column up over on LoP. Check it out. My fellow Canadians are having a field day with giving me feedback.

The Boss Report: "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" and "Threatdown"

Viva Italia

2006-07-26T22:08:00.000-03:00

Whenever the Summer Olympics roll around, there's one thing I look forward to more than anything else... women's volleyball. And if you haven't figured out why then I pity you.

Francesca Picinnini is but one example of why it's the best spectator sport a red-blooded man could watch. Hell, if she ain't good enough then take your pick from the rest of Italy's stellar line-up of covergirl athletes.

Olympic volleyball, alone, has convinced me that visiting Italy is a must for me in this lifetime. I may not be that great at the sport, myself, but I can sure as hell appreciate the finer points of the game. Namely, Francesca.

"Pure Genius"

2006-07-23T22:23:00.000-03:00

That's the most flattering bit of feedback I've received on my latest column, "The Boss Report". Almost makes me blush, it does.

It's been four long years since I starred on the main page of Lords of Pain, so this is a bit of a homecoming for me. It felt pretty good to get back into the thick of things with column writing, as my efforts have been sporadic this year at best. I feel a bit rejuvenated right now, however, so I agreed to give it another go when Calvin contacted me about joining the LoP ranks once again. Maybe it's the summer sun that has brightened my disposition towards writing regularly again. Who knows?

What I do know is that the fall will be a bit of a challenge for me, as I try to organize "The Memmy's" for a return as well. Those columns were somewhat exhausting when I wrote them, and they've been retired for over a year now - partly responsible for my stepping back from writing for that matter too.

In any event, I've got a new energy and a new format, so I'm good to go. Click on the link to check out the debut column.

The Boss Report: Batista, Mark Henry, and "All You Need To Know".

Still Better Looking Than Paris Hilton

2006-07-21T19:12:00.000-03:00

American Idol is about as fun to watch as Wednesday night karaoke at the local tavern, meaning not much. I can't listen to a single song by their first golden child, Kelly Clarkson, on the radio without wretching. That assembly-line, fake, pop bullshit doesn't interest me in the slightest. That being said, I at least don't around calling the bitch a tub of lard... mainly because she's not fat.

It seems that lately, certain sections of the pop media have been taking shots at Kelly Clarkson for gaining weight. Wonderful. As if girls didn't have enough bullshit to deal with from the family and friends about how they look, the media is coming down on them for being fat if they so much as resemble Clarkson's body type. You have got be kidding me.

You would think that there would be a hint of enlightenment in this day and age that someone that looks like her isn't obese. This is the shit that drives girls like Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, the Olsen twins, and others to starve themselves into a completely repulsive skeleton. It's the same outdated and bullshit attitude that is going to let Paris Hilton get away with calling herself this generation's "blonde icon", comparing herself to Marilyn Monroe for God's sake.

Kelly Clarkson might not be rail thin with a giant silicone rack, but she's still attractive. I'll be dead in the ground before I ever buy one of her albums, but I'd be damned if I ever kicked her out of bed either.

Fuckin' A, Dude.

2006-07-18T21:33:00.000-03:00

Through no fault of my own, I instantly fell in love with the movie "The Big Lebowski" when I first saw it back in the late 90's. The Dude just might be one of the best characters in the history of cinema for nothing more than his affinity for White Russians. I found this vid on YouTube and proclaim it to be required viewing. Enjoy. Fuckers.

Kinda Poetic When Ya Think About It

2006-07-18T13:33:00.000-03:00

Robert H. Brooks, the owner of the Hooters franchise, died this week at the ripe old age of 69. The autopsy stated that he died of an unspecified natural cause, but I know what really killed him - irony.

Is there a better double entrandre than "69" for a man whose lasting impression on the world is the glorious objectification of women with large bountiful breasts? I think not.

I've never been to a Hooters restaurant actually, and chances are I never will. Don't get me wrong though, as it's not because I abhore establishments that treat women as objects. I do it all the time, myself. It's just that I hear the food is terrible, and there are a lot of other places where I can ogle a cute girl's tits... and not have to leave a tip.

Rest in peace, Rob. Because of you, man can feed his appetite and labido at the same time. Kudos.

SOLD!!

2006-07-17T13:58:00.000-03:00

If I had known that all it would take to get a date with Jessica Biel was run over some 17-year-old chick from Denver, Colorado with a Hummer limosine and drag her nearly 40 feet down the street on prom night, causing the girl to lose her leg, prompt a charity auction that includes a "Win a date with Jessiva Biel" bid, and win that... I'd have done it all ages ago.

www.mollypalooza.net

Bless that moderately talented beauty for selling herself in the name of a good cause. If only more amply endowed celebrities would be as charitable. I can imagine the audience at the auction now - standing room only, filled with angst-ridden virgins, predatory frat boys, and lecherous middle-aged bachelors in cheap leasure suits... and probably a couple optimistic lesbians thrown in for good measure.

You're a brave woman, Jessica.

Dammit, God! That's Not What I Meant!

2006-07-16T15:35:00.000-03:00

Fucking 'ell. I've seen some shit in my time, but every once in a while something comes along that just makes you do a double-take and say, "What the fuck?!" This is one of those times.

KITH: Scott's Not Gay Anymore?

2006-07-16T01:31:00.000-03:00

Scott Thompson is currently doing an unfunny comedy show on CBC that satires the British royal family. Before that though, he was one funny faggot. Enjoy.

The Ten Worst Stand-Up Comics

2006-07-12T22:24:00.000-03:00

I was slumming around the net and came across a "Top Ten" list for the worst stand-up comics over on askmen.com, or one of those damned time-waster sites. Out of all the comics they could think of, Sinbad topped their list. Fuck off. Sinbad wasn't a very good comic, but there's no way in hell that he was the worst comic. Shit, does he even do stand-up anymore?

So, I just to make up my own list to show how I feel on the subject. There are a couple of repeats from their list, but there are even more that I'm surprised they overlooked in favor of Sinbad and Kathy Griffin, who could be a lot worse... trust me.

10. Larry the Cable Guy - Meet Daniel Whitney, one of the biggest frauds in stand-up. It's cool to have a gimmick and all, a lot of comics do, but at least they have the decency to let people know it's a gimmick. Fans think of this hack as a true blue Southern boy with an exaggerated personality. The guy ain't even born in the south, he moved to Florida when he was sixteen. He came up with his cable guy gimmick when he realized that being himself on stage was proving to be a supreme failure, as the same shitty jokes that he tells now just didn't sell when they came from some Dave Coulier lookin' shit with pleated khakis. Fuck this fraud.

9. Brian Regan - I thought this guy died in the 80's, along with his hideous "piano key" tie. I'm sad to say that the man is still on the stand-up circuit telling the same terrible jokes and doing the same goofy facial expressions that he was doing back in the days of Jimmy motherfuckin' Walker. JJ knows when his career is tapped, so what's Regan's excuse? JJ at least had a catch phrase and national recognition. Regan has what going for him? Some morbib retro vibe at Yuk Yuk's that I'm just not aware of. The day this guy gets his own sitcom (I pray he hasn't already) is the day I start earning a restraining order from the guy.

8. Glen Foster - For those in the States that have never heard of "That Canadian Guy", consider yourselves to be among the fortunate ones. Canada is known for producing great comedic talent, and you can probably think of three right off the top of your head, but for this sack of semen to be walking around and marketing himself as the posterboy for Canadian stand-up is a fucking travesty. He wasn't funny in 1987 when he was opening for Brian "What's up with cell phones?" Regan, and he's even less funny now with his cliched comparisons of Canada and the U.S.

7. Carrot Top - This guy is a prop comic, nothing more, nothing less. Out of the 143 little pieces of shit that he puts on display during his 5 minute act, about 4 of them will get a forced chuckle out of me. I'm not big on prop comedy, though, as I prefer comics who can get a laugh through verbal skills as opposed to manically running around on stage and waving a toilet-seat with googly eyes pasted on over his head. I guess he's into body building now, which just ups the creepy factor to a whole new level on top of all that. $10 says he's still a virgin.

6. Carlos Mencia - You're not even a fucking Mexican, you chubby bastard. And even if you were Mexican, you'd still be one of the unfunniest Mexicans walking the face of the Earth. I saw your act about ten years ago at "Just For Laughs" in Montreal and thought it was pretty funny. Then I see you get your own show only to see that you're telling the same damned "Beaner" comedy that you were telling back then. I'd go on a tirade, but Joe Rogan already owned your ass, so what's the point? Grow some nuts you Honduran, plagiarising, waste of space and get some new material... or at least steal some new materal.

5. Dat Phan - How the hell this midget won the first "Last Comic Standing", I'll never know. Ralphie May had nothing but fat jokes, but he was ten times funnier than this crack baby. You want to make fun of your parents' Asian heritage? Big fucking deal. Margeret Cho beat that dead horse years before you ever came along... and did it better. I haven't seen him on television, thankfully, since he won the title and did his carbon-copy material on that HBO comedy special... or was it Comedy Central. Fuck it. Like it matters.

4. George Lopez - Carlos Mencia may steal Lopez's material, but I'll at least give credit for telling it better than Lopez. I have never laughed at Lopez once. Well, that's not true. When I heard that he was getting his own sitcom, I laughed... hard. Maybe they saw a Ray Ramano like quality in him, but Ray Ramano was funny. George Lopez is a one-trick pony that has been ridden hard and put up wet. Sandra Bullock might think he's funny, but she married Jesse James, so her sense of humor is on a whole 'nother level.

3. Louie Anderson - I'll be honest - I thought this guy was dead. He's the most depressing human being since Marlon Brando. He's even starting to look like Brando did in his waining years. I'm just waiting for the day to not be surprised by news that the wall of his home had to be removed so that they could remove his dead and bloated carcus. He's not only a terrible comic, but he has the distinction of being the absolute worst host of "Family Feud" in history. That says a lot too when you consider Richard "Al from Home Improvement" Karn is hosting that these days.

2. Joy Behar - I think if I had the choice between listening to five minutes of Joy's act and being hit in the face with a hammer, I'd have to give it some serious thought... and inevitably go with the hammer. To catch yourself watching "The View" at any point in your life is embarassing enough, but to allow yourself to stare at this cunt's wrinkled nutsack of a face, you've hit a new low. Her act would have been considered old and cliched in the days when Joan Rivers was compressed mostly of biological material. The idea that this woman considers herself a comic tells me that there needs to be some kind of registration process.

1. Rodney Carrington - This guy is the absolute worst of the worst. Not only has he tricked the inbred portion of the south into thinking his funny, but he's conned his way into a sitcom as well. I am utterly convinced that I could do six months of shitty stand-up, move to L.A., and have my own sitcom on ABC before I had my bags unpacked. Someone tell me when this guy has ever told a joke or story that was the least bit humerous. I'm at a loss. To top it all off, his stand-up act consists of racial slurs and horrible singing to boot. Don Rickles might be able to get away with racial slurs, and Sarah Silverman can sing some songs when she wants to, but they manage to do it in a way that is actually funny and not disgusting and repugnant. I literally hope this talentless sack of shit dies... and soon if it can at all be arranged.

This Is Your Brain On Scientology

2006-07-11T14:59:00.000-03:00

All of this is old news, of course, but I can't help but vent on a woman who is arguably the craziest cunt in Hollywood - Jenna Elfman. Remember her? She was that reasonably "doable" chick from "Dharma & Greg". The woman she played on that show was pretty out there as far as characters go, but I had no idea that the hippy, free-thinking, irreverent character on the show was the sane one of the two.

First, I find out that she's a Scientologist. Damn. That's a shame, I thought to myself, but I took solace in realizing that there are quite a few hot ladies in Hollywood that are Scientologists - Leah Remini, Catherine Bell, Erika Christensen, and Laura Prepon. Can't really hold that against her, but that was my thinking before actually doing any research on Scientology.

Secondly, I find out that she went ballistic a couple of months ago on an Indie film director, John Roecker, because he was wearing a "Scientology Is Gay" t-shirt that had a head-shot of Tom Cruise. Now, I can appreciate how someone might be offended of such a shirt that belittles their psuedo-religion, but there's a line where you step from indignation to outright insanity.

The story goes that Roecker was walking to his car while in Los Feliz when he was approached by Jenna Elfman, her shirtless husband, and some 20-something male who was unidentified. Jenna's husband pointed out the t-shirt was making fun of their religion. At that point, Jenna breaks into super-insano mode and lays into Roecker verbally with repeated exclamations like, "What crimes have you committed?!", and "Have you raped a baby?!"

It's apparently a short ride to Crazy Town for that girl. What makes it even stranger is that while Roecker is firing back at them with criticisms of their "religious" tenets and Xenu (the evil alien warlord that L. Ron Hubbard concocted as part of the religion), Jenna Elfman keeps instructing the unidentified male that's with them to step back and cover his ears. I guess the kid hadn't given the cult enough money yet to earn the right to learn about that part of the religion yet.

Lastly, to top it all off (as if public acts of lunacy aren't enough), I find out that in 1999 she flatly refused to have anything to do with an AIDS fundraiser. Why did she turn down such a charitable opportunity, you might ask? Well, here's her quote for you to see for yourself...

"AIDS is a state of mind, not a disease."

Yup. She says that she won't support any organization that raises money for AIDS research. This is just another example of Scientology at work with their absolutely head-up-their-ass world views of science and medicine. This once endearing little sprite of innocence has been brainwashed by a cult and transformed into a rabid, mindless tool of morbosity. It's a damned shame too 'cause there was a time when I thought she was insanely hot... now she's just insane.

I mean, how the fuck do you get the nerve to state publically that all those kids in Africa and countless more people around the world aren't dying of a disease, but from a god-damned state of mind. Is that bitch trying to say that the cure for AIDS is an attitude adjustment? What kind of half-witted, junk thinking is that? I thought Tom Cruise sounded a little off-keal when he was decrying the evils of psychiatry, but those Scientologists have a whole cauldron of bat shit crazy thoughts stewing up in their noggins. A state of mind? You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

Now I've got to look at all those beauties in Scientology with a raised eyebrow and wonder if they're as loony as Tom Cruise and Jenna Elfman. Laura Prepon is one of the most gorgeous women walking the face of the earth (I'm a sucker for a redhead), but if she's subscribing to this kind of horse shit, then I don't know what to think of her anymore. Such a waste of talent.

Column: A Faith Based Guide... Vol. III

2006-07-11T01:42:00.000-03:00

Volume III: The Whore on Christianity

Welcome back once again to the FBG. It's been a long time since the last time we met in these hallowed halls, but rejoice for I have returned... TO JUDGE YOU ALL! Nah, I'm just kiddin' ya. I'm here actually to take a closer look at one of the religions that we've already discussed in a FBG – Christianity.

Christianity is a lot like a high school in that there are several sub-sects and groups within the religion that segregate themselves from one another and ridicule one another in a constant jockeying for supremacy. Lousy preppies with their designer jeans and professionally styled hair. My daddy could have bought me a Mustang for my sixteenth birthday too if he hadn't already spent that money on frivolous things like food and fire-wood. Assholes.

Anyway, in this edition of FBG we're going to take a look at four specific branches of Christianity and see if we can't find the right wrestler for each of them to rally for. In the first volume, we learned that Christianity's first choice was none other than Vince K. McMahon, although that was through deciphering mainly the tenets of Roman Catholicism since it is the largest meta-group of Christians. So why don't we just set Vinman and the Catholics aside, allowing us to branch out and seeing what else Christianity has to offer.

Mormonism

This religion came about in the early 1800's, established for the most part by Joseph Smith who was heralded by followers as a prophet for God.

One of the more notable traits of Mormonism include plural marriage. Joseph Smith told that he was contacted by an angel on more than one occasion to take multiple wives as in the olden days otherwise he would be slain by the angel. Yeah. A smiting angel told him that. He wasn't crazy. They also believe that the word of God doesn't stop with the New Testament, but continues on through the Book of Mormon – a book that can be easily attained through any of the countless missionaries that seem to knock on my door incessantly through the summer.

Mormons also seem to believe that Native-Americans are descended from Jewish heritage through the prophet Lefi, despite DNA evidence that shows there is no recognizable traits between Jews and Native-Americans. Far be it for science to discourage blind faith however.

After being on the receiving end of countless ass-kickings from more orthodox Christians, persecuted Mormons gradually migrated westward in North America until they eventually settled in Utah. Even then, other Christians took exception to Mormon's assertions that they were the only Christians with apostasy, which was restored by their founder Joseph Smith. This and other controversies over the religion led to the Utah War.

So, for a religion that is persecuted by fellow Christians, believes in polygyny (one man marrying multiple women), and heralds their founder as a prophet to their Almighty God, who is there in the professional wrestling community that they can turn to as a hero and a champion?

Joseph Smith. Who else? In Heidi Swinton's book, “American Prophet: The Story of Joseph Smith”, she praises Smith for having never lost a wrestling match. That's impressive, boys. In one passage of Smith's own writings he describes an altercation with a Baptist preacher from Ohio. After trespassing on Smith's property and abusing his family allegedly, Smith recalls, “I turned him out of doors. He raised his cane to strike me and continued to abuse me. I whipped him till he begged.” Now that takes talent... to whip an old preacher's ass who uses a cane. Don't I wish more champions could show such admirable qualities as Joseph Smith.

Evangelical Protestantism

Protestantism came about in large part due to Martin Luther, who helped during the 1500's to make a formal separation of several churches away from the Roman Catholic Church. This was in large part due to Protestants unwilling to recognize the Pope as a mediator between God and man, and acting as the one true authority of Christianity.

Catholics and Protestants have shared a very volatile history with eachother... to say the least. But their conflicts were temporary and quite dated from past centuries. Nowadays, Protestants and Catholics get along famously, with no hostile feelings towards eachother in the slightest. Just don't go to Ireland.

Evangelical Protestants also tend to take a more literal meaning from the Bible in their interpretations rather than a more symbolic meaning like other forms of Christianity. Evangelicalism tends to refer to the “Born Again” aspect of Christianity and a person's personal act of being saved by Jesus and placing Christ at the absolute forefront of their lives. This particular section of the religion is often identified as the Christian Right in North America, despite the existence of members of the denomination in both the left and center of the political spectrum as well.

So where might a predominantly conservative Christian, with underlying resentment towards Catholicism and a very literal interpretation of all that is written in the Bible, find the right professional wrestler to proclaim as their favorite?

Bret “The Hitman” Hart. If there is to be an antithesis to Vince McMahon, like Protestantism is to Roman Catholicism, then the Hitman is the one for you. The guy basically claims to represent the true virtue of professional wrestling and decries Vince McMahon for being nothing short of a fraud and a phony. After parting ways with Vince and the WWE, much in the same way Protestantism separated from Catholicism, Bret began to speak out against his former employer in an attempt to expose him as not being the almighty ruler of sports-entertainment. Much like evangelism, fans grew weary of listening to Bret's incessant rhetoric to a point where they dismissed him entirely, save for his most die-hard of fans. An Evangelical Protestant should have no problem with identifying with a man who holds such qualities, but just don't worship him or put him before your God. Commandment #1 after all.

Jehovah's Witnesses

Oh shit. Everybody be quiet and noone answer the door. Morpheus, turn that damned radio off or else they'll know we're home. Damn it. They're always showing up on my doorstep on Thursday afternoons.

This denomination currently holds between six and seven million followers, and they are firm believers in the second coming of Jesus Christ to Earth. They are a relatively pacifist group that follow the Bible as it were the inerrant word of God, even though their version of the Bible is criticized for having notable differences from traditional translations in the rest of the world.

Witnesses also have a remarkable structure to their governing body, not completely unlike that of Roman Catholicism, although there are some slight differences as it can more closely resemble a classic “Pyramid scheme” to some outsiders... like me.

Witnesses can sometimes be affectionately referred to as “buzz-kills” for their strict views towards Christianity and society as a whole. No gambling, no Christmas, no birthday parties, patriarchal family structure, modesty towards dress and personal grooming, no alcohol, no violence, no blood transfusions... Yeah, you read that right. No blood transfusions. Sorry, sickey, you'll just have to go without blood donations and pray to have yours divinely replenished or something. Tough luck.

With all this in mind, where might a Jehovah's Witness find a professional wrestler that best exemplifies what they're all about?

“Double J” Jeff Jarrett. Just like a Jehovah's Witness, this guy just doesn't know when he's worn out his welcome, and for many of us that welcome got worn out a long time ago. Actually, to be honest, if I had to make the choice between listening to a Jehovah's Witness prattle on at my doorstep and schill off “Watchtower” booklets onto me and listening to Jeff Jarrett verbally induce a coma with one of his droning promos, I'd probably go with the Witness. Jeff Jarrett is his own biggest fan and has managed to alienate himself from any kind of popularity in the mainstream... just like you know which religion. You'd be hard-pressed to find a better candidate to be the wrestling posterboy for Jehovah's Witnesses than that guy. Gah, just looking at that picture makes me want to turn the channel. And my television isn't even turned on.

The Westboro Baptist Church

Ah, the Christian equivalent to the creepy uncle that noone likes to talk about. Seriously... Fred Phelps, the churches founder and leader, is about as welcome to a public gathering as the Bird Flu. Actually, that's a little harsh. Bird Flu isn't that big of a pox on society.

If you aren't familiar with this congregation, which is located around Topeka, Kansas, I envy you. The hate-mongering group is not only devoid of any kind of Christian merit, but is also less a church than it is a clan. More than 80% of the diminutive congregation is made up of Phelps' own family members who all followed the old bigot to the new church after he was voted out of his old church for spewing hate and inane rhetoric.

The deranged doctrine of the church primarily revolves around their hatred towards homosexuals and those who tolerate, condone, and sympathize with homosexuals. They also hold several other bigoted views, including antisemitism, but their homophobia tops the list currently on their “To Do” lists. “Fags Die, God Laughs”, “God Hates America”, “Thank God For 9-11”, and even “God Hates New Orleans” are displayed on signs during their many protests of soldier's funerals and other public gatherings. They basically believe that since the world has accepted homosexuality that we are all condemned to Hell, and they're none too shy about letting us know either.

These deranged hicks also believe that Armageddon will see God hold the entire world accountable for not condemning homosexuality, and the Westboro Baptist Church will act as “expert witnesses” during the day of judgment to send all us sinners straight to Hell. Wow. Place yourself on a pedestal much?

So, where oh where might we find a professional wrestler that good ol' Fred Phelps could root for while he watched wrestling from inside his heavily fortified compound that houses his congregation from the rest of the world?

El Homo Loco. Some say that homophobia is derived from latent homosexual feelings within the person. If that's the case, then the members of the Westboro Baptist Church are FLA... MING. So, I can think of no better wrestler for them to rally behind, literally, than the prized babyface of ISW (Incredibly Strange Wrestling). And the WBC flock is just inbred enough that they'd probably be too stupid to realize that they'd be cheering a wrestler that they would for all intents and purposes despise. Here's his profile from ISW's official website...

“Undeniably one of ISW’s top fan favorites is the flamin’ champ El Homo Loco. While not the biggest wrestler in ISW, El Homo Loco is never afraid of some hot man-on-man action. Loco has gone up against some of ISW’s mightiest including Count Dante, El Pollo Diablo, The Poontangler and La Chingona, and his stormy, whirlpool romance with boyfriend and frequent tag partner The Cruiser has become one of ISW’s most endearing (and enduring) storylines.

Tireless defender of the gay race, El Homo Loco’s secured a spot in the history books as a pioneering gay babyface in the largely homophobic wrestling world since his auspicious debut in 1996, and remains ISW’s most talked about and written about wrestler ever.”

The End

That wraps up yet another volume of the FBG. I hope you all got a kick out of it. And if you didn't, well fuck it... Better luck next time, when I write the fourth edition that should be hitting the CF sometime before the end of the summer. Promise. If I'm lying, may God strike me down here and now.

Before I leave you guys though, I just got to give you that bit of salvation that so many of you clicked onto the column's link to see in the first place. So without any further ado, here it is... your Moment of Zen.

Adam Corolla Is My Favorite Person of the Week

2006-07-10T16:17:00.000-03:00

Adam Corolla is usually about as funny as Norm McDonald after being hit in the head with a hammer, but if you're into that kind of comedy then more power to ya. He's got his bright spots though - The Man Show and just about anything else he's ever done with Jimmy Kimmel.

This past Friday was one of those bright spots, and miraculously enough, Kimmel was nowhere to be found. Ann Coulter, America's answer to hate-incarnate, was scheduled to call-in to his radio show, but she ended up calling an hour and a half late and even got snippy with Adam over pointing that out to her. So what does Adam do?

I don't want to spoil the surprise. Click HERE to listen to the clip from www.crooksandliars.com.

Quoting The Babble

2006-07-08T17:59:00.000-03:00

Circular reasoning and red-herrings seem to be the "Specials of the Day" when it comes to opposing same-sex marriage. For the life of me, I just can't wrap my head around some of these arguments that are put forth by people that are against someone being able to marry someone of the same sex. With that in mind, I just had to share some of the more mind-numbing quotes that I've come across on my favorite message board.

"I'm as in favor of that [same-sex marriage] as I am in favor of a man marrying his horse. (In other words, I'm against it.)"

Right off the bat, someone tries to equate homosexuality with beastiality. This is beyond ridiculous and I don't think I need to point out how this argument falls completely apart.

"If you change the definition of marriage to say 'two people;' a brother and sister are two people. A father and daughter are two people. First cousins are two people."

Here comes another red-herring - incest. For crying out loud, could someone point out how a homosexual relationship is as destructive and unhealthy as an incestuous relationship? Where the fuck is the correlation? File this argument in the trashbin with beastiality.

"The idea of marriage is for two people of the opposite sex to get together so they can mate and have children. Lance fucking Bruce in the ass won't yield a child, so there's no reason to be married."

Yet another circular argument that only people who can have children should be allowed to get married. Yeesh. I guess that means the elderly, infertile, and physically challenged should be kept from being married as well.

"By changing the law, you're making it open to interpretation. If gays could have such a long-standing law changed, why can't someone else? What makes people who practice polygamy, beastiality, incest, etc any less worthy than gays? How do you know a man doesn't love his cattle the same way Siegfreid loves Roy?"

Polygamy: This is usually brought up solely as polygany (one man marrying multiple women), and the argument tends to fall apart in that polygamous relationships are entirely different from monogamous relationships, which are what homosexuals are fighting for. Trying to make connections between monogamy and polygamy is a fruitless effort since the construct of the relationship is entirely different than that of a heterosexual or homosexual monogamous relationship.

Beastiality: Animals are not recognized under law as persons, as opposed to humans that are homosexual. This argument comes forth solely as a red-herring to try and paint a picture that homosexuality is as deviant a behavior as sex with animals, distracting from the issue of two consenting adults.

Incest: If you actually think that incest can be construed as a healthy lifestyle, or that homosexuality can be as construed as an equally unhealthy lifestyle as incestuous relationships, I think there is something wrong with you mentally. The topic of offspring alone shoots down any arguments for legalized incest.

Conclusion: Take a look at all three of those. Unless I'm mistaken, not one of them is behavior that is even considered legal in the United States or Canada, let alone viable to have marital status granted. This "slippery-slope" bullshit falls apart right there.

"The public doesn't want them [marriage laws] changed. 75% of the population likes things the way they are. Why would you try to force your ideals down most of the population's collective throat?"

Majority rules. That's the sum of the argument. Same-sex marriage is unpopular in a country that is prodominently heterosexual. Holy shit, stop the presses! The majority of the country also thought that homosexuality should be made illegal in the not-too-distant past, and yet homosexuality is legal. Was it wrong then to force "ideals" down the population's collective throat? I think not.

"The only reason gays want it to be called 'marraige' is so that they can piss off all the religions that have damned their sexual preferrence to the bowels of hell, nothing more."

That's it, is it? Homosexuals only want to get married to get under the skin of religious fundamentalists. If homosexuality weren't condemned in the dominant religions, homosexuals would have zero interest in getting married? That's one of the dumbest statements I've read yet.

"My complaints over same-sex marriage aren't against gays, in general. My opinion on gays is that they have a sick fetish. That's about it. You can label that as discrimination, if you want to."

I believe I will label that as discrimination, since it looks like a textbook example of it. Is this to say that there is some other prevailing reason why same-sex marriage is repulsive to you beyond your opinion that gay people are doing nothing more than exercising a sick fetish?

"Legalizing something the majority of the public doesn't want to be legal is fair and just?"

It depends upon what that "something" is to be quite honest. In this case, it's same-sex marriage. It's been clear that nearly half of U.S. is in favor of same-sex unions/marriage, so it just that it remaining illegal is just? It's a circular argument and becomes less and less poignant with each passing day. You might not be homophobic for opposing same-sex marriage, but at the very least you are homo-ignorant.

The Doctor of Style Is In

2006-07-08T02:08:00.000-03:00

If you weren't a fan of the WWF or professional wrestling as a kid then you really missed out on something. I'm 30-years-old and I still haven't grown out of my love for "rasslin". It's the perfect amalgamation of violence, theater, and comedy, all rolled up into a neat little package of athletic exhibition. Not all of it has to do with athleticism though. Sports-entertainment relies heavily on entertainment, and one of my favorite heel managers of the day was the Doctor of Style, Slick.

Ann Coulter Doesn't Surprise Me Anymore

2006-07-06T15:37:00.000-03:00

I have about as much regard for Ann Coulter as I do for an earwig. Both are unpleasant in appearance, are unwelcome nuisances, and are rumored to lay eggs in your brain. I also am of the opinion that the world would be a slightly better place if neither existed, but if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.

Allegations are starting to come out that Ann plagiarized more than just a couple times in her newest offering of tripe, "Godless". That's not a soft-ball accusation either. Plagiarism is something that I take very seriously as an aspiring writer, and to see someone who is a syndicated columnist and best-selling author show definite signs of stealing other people's work sickens me.

There have been a couple of previous accusations from earlier in the year, I guess, but the one that seems to be getting attention right now is coming from the New York Post. On July 2nd, they posted an online article that a plagiarism-detection program found three "textbook" examples of plagiarism in Ann Coulter's book, "Godless". How did Ann respond?

"How crappy a newspaper is the Post?"

That's the extent of her response thus far. Now, I'm not going to exalt the Post as being a pinnacle of journalistic integrity and all that, but it's quite clear that Ann is dodging the issue right now with her refusal to confirm or deny the allegations and evidence that's being presented. She can lash out with name-calling and mud-slinging all she wants against the Post and the rest of the "Godless" media, but facts are facts, and the poster-girl for intolerance needs to step up and address this issue in a manner that I'm not sure she's capable - a civil manner.

Here's the Post article for anyone that wants to check it out. Click HERE.

K-Fed Is Back Peddlin'

2006-07-06T02:48:00.000-03:00

Kevin Federline is on damage control now. His joke of a life is finally starting to sink in his neanderthal brain, and he's either entered a state of denial since Tom Cruise got married (for a second time) or K-Fed is just that stupid.

Now that it has fully sunk in for the schmuck that his sad attempt at a music career is a complete farce, he's stated the following about his first single, "PopoZao", and how it was all just a big joke on all of us.

"At first, when I put out PopoZao, people were kinda laughing at me. I did it on purpose so people would look at me exactly the way they did. That way, when I come out with my real shit, people are fucking blown away."

Ummm... okay then. That state of denial is only going to work up to a point though, Kev. The punchline is really going to hit home once you finally release that piece of shit album of yours and have to bear witness to the onslaught of negative reviews and utter mockery of your pathetic attempts at being a "gangsta". And if you mean by "fucking blown away" that people are going to look back at "PopoZao" and think of that as the least horrible thing you've ever done, you're right.

Britney Spears is more ghetto than you, Kev, and she's about as ghetto as a fat, fluffy bunny with floppy ears and a wide bottom. And thanks to you and your two-tailed sperm, Britney Spears is absolutely ruined and unrecognizable from the shaggable piece of ass that she once was. Bravo, douche bag.

It's the 4th of July

2006-07-04T18:37:00.000-03:00

The good ol' US of A is celebrating their Independence Day. Good for them. You've come a long way, babay. You just gotta appreciate a country that is so absorbed in outward appearances that someone like Jessica Simpson could be considered a musical artist, let alone her considerably less-talented sister, Ashlee.

If I had an American flag I'd probably be waving it today... and burning it tomorrow. :) Not out of hate, but simply because I can. American came damned close to making flag desecration illegal a little while back, falling just one vote short.

It's the land of the free, darlin', but you best not spit on that flag. You can preach hate all you want, but just don't touch that flag. God bless America.

KITH: The Dr. Seuss Bible

2006-07-03T14:42:00.000-03:00

Sometimes I get a real kick out of the self-righteous behavior of the devoutly religious. Dogmatic rhetoric is usually good for a laugh any day of the week, but the Kids in the Hall gave us a particularly funny way of pointing out the comedy in religion. Enjoy.

That Little Dickens

2006-07-02T19:34:00.000-03:00

Far be it for me to go around claiming to be a literary scholar, and someone stop me if I ever start calling myself a historian, but there come times every now and then when I just have to stop and call bullshit on some things.

Today it concerns Charles Dickens and a comment made by a nationally syndicated columnist named Walter E. Williams. While ranting on in a column titled "Marx's Racism", which was basically an economic column pointing out that Karl Marx was "an out and out racist", Mr. Williams also thought it neccessary to belittle the name of the author to my favorite book of all-time, "Great Expectation", Charles Dickens. Here's what Mr. Williams wrote.

"No less a historical figure and a Christmastime favorite, Charles Dickens, author of "A Christmas Carol," shared [Thomas] Carlyle's positions on pro-slavery and blacks as subhuman."

What the fuck? Am I reading that right? Did he just say that Charles Dickens was pro-slavery, just as Thomas Carlyle was?

Like I stated earlier, I'm no historian, but I found that statement really odd and out-of-place and that inspired me to do some Googling. Nowhere in my searches did I find anything beyond Williams' own words that asserted Charles Dickens was pro-slavery. On the contrary, what my searches found was that Charles Dickens was a vocal opponent to slavery, as was demonstrated during and after his visits to the United States in the 1800's. As well, I found no references to Dickens referring to black people or any other ethnicity as "subhuman".

Maybe I'm mistaken and my efforts on Google are limited at best, but you would think that I would find something in the slightest that would back up what a former chairman of the economics department at George Mason University had to say about the acclaimed author. After reading Williams' column on Human Events Online (a staunchly conservative website), which is also heavily promoting Ann Coulter's latest dose of venom, I really shouldn't be suprised that the source would take a cheap and unsubstantiated pot shot at a man like Charles Dickens.

Happy Canada Day!

2006-07-01T15:04:00.000-03:00

Damn, it's great to be Canadian. I gotta tell ya, if you're not Canadian then I pity you... just a little bit. There are lots of presumably fantastic countries out there in the world, but given the choice I would stay right here.

Sure, there are things about Canada that I don't care for. Blackflies are fucking aggrevating. Maritime weather is a pain is the ass sometimes when it comes to winter and spring weather; the CRTC has done more things to irritate me and my ability to enjoy Canadian television; Quebec seperatists wanting to have their province become a sovereign country while still suckling at the teet of the rest of Canada; our forests getting clear-cut only to be exported to countries that try to cheat us out of money, while reforestation programs are ill-equipped to keep up with the deforestation.

There's a whole helluva lot about Canada that I absolutely love though. Canadian women top that list. I've met women from all over the world, and each country brings qualities to each woman, but there's just something about a Canadian woman with a strong sense of self and a great sense of humor that can get my blood running hot. Estella Warren, that marriage proposal still stands.

Beer is another great pride-instilling product, as Canadian beer is exponentially better than any American beer that I've ever tasted. Budweiser can kiss my ass and take that chilled piss they try to pass off as beer back to the States where it belongs. LaBatt's is piss too, but I'd still drink it before Bud or Coor's any day of the week. Keith's Lager and Moosehead Premium Dry are my two brand of beer that I drink, and I would whole-heartedly recommend either beer for an American to try and compare to those American beers.

Healthcare, babay! How much did it cost me when I got a serious lung infection? How much did it cost me when I broke my foot? How much did it cost me when I suffered from pneumonia? Not one thin dime. National healthcare is a true blessing when it comes to being Canadian and it's definitely something that should be protected by our government and citizens.

This country is also a great example to the rest of the world of what a country can be when it opts to be culturally diverse as opposed to a "melting pot". It's great that we have a country that embraces it's religious pluralism instead of being labelled as secular. We're also progressive to a degree that drives American fundamentalists absolutely nuts. Moral decay, Pandora's box, haven for terrorists, and mad cow disease are all myths as near as I can tell. We're Canadian. We're not better than you... we're just better off.

HAPPY CANADA DAY!

How To Get Away With Murder

2006-07-01T00:45:00.000-03:00

The first step is you have to be a near brain-dead, sack-of-shit, fifteen-year-old boy with the maturity and thought capacity of your run o' the mill inbred jack off.

Next, you need to get the bright idea to take a 30+ pound rock (may as well call in a boulder at that point) and transport it to a highway over-pass with your buddy.

Then you need to wait for a 75 year old bus driver (whose wife is suffering from cancer) to drive along the road below, and then hurl the boulder at the windsheild of the bus.

Once the rock has crashed through the windsheild of the bus, crushed the elderly man's chest, killing him, you need to flee the scene of the crime.

The next step is to keep your mouth shut for three years while the authorities try to piece together the horrific crime until they finally end up pressing charges against an innocent individual.

Then, and only then, should you step forward to turn yourself in and confess to the murder that you committed. Then the family of the deceased will take pity on you for suffering through with your secret, the judge will show mercy upon you, and you'll be sentenced to a mere six months of house arrest and 240 of community service.

Don't believe me? Well, I'll be damned if the exact same shit didn't happen in Edmonton, Alberta.

The convicted, now 19-year-old, boy (I say boy because he certainly doesn't come off as a man to me) can't even have his name released to the public because his crime was committed while he was still regarded as a child. That little fucker is lucky. Shit... "lucky" is an understatement. The family of the deceased, Robert Stanley, was reportedly glad that the kid wouldn't have to serve any jail time for what he had done and hope that the community service and house arrest will serve to rehabilitate him. They stated that they'll never forgive him - as well they shouldn't - but they were relieved that the kid will be given a second chance.

Now, hey, I'm all for second chances. That being said, however, that sonofabitch killed a man none the less and six months of sitting at home and a couple hundred hours of picking up trash (or whatever the hell they'll have him do) just ain't any kind of justice, as far as I'm concerned. Sure, the kid didn't actually intend to kill the guy and it was just an insanely asinine prank gone wrong, but this kind of sentencing comes off as a complete joke and the judge should be absolutely ashamed of himself.

It's a good thing they kept that kid's name out of the papers 'cause someone with a less forgiving nature than the Stanley family would be sure to beat the ever lovin' shit out of that boy... and I'd cheer them on while they did it too. Burn in Hell, you fortunate cuntrag. And that accomplice of yours that has the audacity to plead innocent should burn twice. Fuckers.

Marriage Is So Gay

2006-06-29T03:55:00.000-03:00

What the fuck is the deal with same-sex marriage that has everyone's panties in a twist?

For religious fundamentalists, the answer is easy - they're fucking ignorant. There's no need to be rational or coherent about anything concerning homosexuality. They just get their instructions from prehistoric religous text and treat gay people like they're abominations that must be wiped from the face of the earth.

But then there are the others that aren't blinded by some out-dated religous doctrine. What do they have to say against same-sex marriage?

Not much, as near as I can tell. The most popular answer among them seems to be that "Pandora's Box" routine that gets repeated endlessly. The whole argument boils down to "If gays get to marry then society is on a slippery slope to moral decay and Pandora's box will be opened for all the sexual deviants who want to marry their pets, sisters, babies, and multiple partners."

Talk about your Doomsday scenarios for an institution that has seen it's fair share of updating and ammending over the centuries. But those folks that are against same-sex marriage will remind us all that the institution of marriage is a tradition that represents a bond between one man and one woman, and that's the way it's been since the beginning of time... except for the fact that it hasn't.

The truth of the matter is that there really is no rational and thoughtful reason as to why same-sex marriage should not be recognized in a secular fashion. If organized religion wants to hold fervently to their homophobia and fairy-tales, let them. The rest of the world needs to move forward.

Just Don't Burn My American Pie

2006-06-27T17:03:00.000-03:00

Is there really a need for a ban to be placed in American to keep people from burning the American flag? Is there such a calamity occuring that it requires the federal government's intervention to keep people from setting fire to pieces of fabric?

Chances are pretty good, in my estimation, that if you think that there needs to be a ban on burning the American flag, or any other flag for that matter, then you are probably border-line retarded. There I said it.

Maybe if this was North Korea, Iran, or Dipshitistan that we were talking about then I could see the uproar, but it's the good ol' U.S. of A that we're talking about here - the land of the free and all that shit. I just find it mindnumbingly ironic that a country that is fighting to defend it's freedom is actually entertaining the idea of passing such an asinine law. Frankly, those bass-ackwards politicians would be better off trying to put a ban on hillbillies having "the vote". Anyone who has reservations about proper hygeine and dating outside of the family tree shouldn't be eligible to cast a ballot.

Audio Column?

2006-06-24T23:56:00.000-03:00

An audio column - it's so crazy it just might work. Lord knows that some buddies of mine online have been trying it out and doing quite well with the format. Phantom Lord, along with Dumass, has the "Coast 2 Coast" show that has been going on for over a year it seems. Morpheus has done more than one as I recall. Randomguy#5 has his "Monday Night Countdown" that leads into Raw quite nicely. Wevv Mang also has a good l'il going on with his as well.

I just got my cherry popped, in a manner of speaking, on an upcoming episode of Coast 2 Coast. I figured it was a good way to get acquainted with the format of how things are done and get familiar with the software that's used. The guest spot was a fun experience and it definitely left me with an encouraging feeling that I should give it a try myself so that I can leave my own miniscule mark on the genre.

I just got the mic for the computer a couple weeks ago, so I'm taking babysteps into this bad boy. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll break down and buy a webcam and do one of those embarassingly hilarious video "shoots" that wrestling fans seem to enjoy doing. Kent Jones tops the list of the most inanely funny guys out there on YouTube with his adolescent screeching about the evils of WWE. It's classic stuff that I'm sure he'll regret in a few years when he's trying to see a girl naked. Keep reaching for that rainbow, junior!

EDIT: The show is up in case anyone wants to check it out. IWC Coast 2 Coast: A Tribute To Canada!

Fantasy Football Is Coming

2006-06-22T19:11:00.000-03:00

As a fan of the Buffalo Bills, I'm a glutton for punishment. JP Losman, you can burn in hell, by the way... unless you actually learned how to work the pocket, in which case, YAY LOSMAN!

I'm just finishing up my first two mock drafts on www.antsports.com to get warmed up for the summer rush of fantasy drafts. They're going okay I think, but time will tell in the fall whether my strategies will hold up. The thing that I'm gonna have to watch out for is trades once the season kicks in, as I screwed the pooch last year with a couple of bad trades that crippled me due to injuries.

God, I'm so looking forward to NFL season that it's not even funny. I gotta do some research some time, so I don't get sabotaged by myself this year. Sigh.

KITH: Can I Borrow Your Axe?

2006-06-21T01:35:00.000-03:00

Oh man, if I had a nickel for every time something like this happened to me... I'd have a lot of nickels.

Like A Virgin?

2006-06-17T22:59:00.000-03:00

Hilary Duff is walking around and telling the public that she's still a virgin. Yeah, right. Excuse me while I sweep up my bullshit-o-meter, as it seems to have spontaneously exploded.

"It's harder having a boyfriend who's older because people just assume. But (virginity) is definitely something I like about myself. It doesn't mean I haven't thought about sex, because everyone I know has had it and you want to fit in."

Now, I'm not saying that she's a complete whore or anything like that - dating a member of Good Charlotte isn't exactly working in her favor though. I'm just saying that this girl just doesn't come off as that innocent Disney-molded nice girl anymore. She can still promote herself like that to the 12-year-old girls that still buy her shitty merchandise, but the rest of the world just ain't buyin' it.

I do find it funny that a there's a member of Good Charlotte out there that might not be getting any pussy at all because his girlfriend won't put out. At least he has an excuse, as the rest of that emo, fake punk pussy band has no excuse at all with their whiny and bitchy attitudes.

I gotta say, though, that I find it interesting that Hilary claims to be a virgin even though she's known to walk around with a condom in her possession... and that was years ago. Virginity ain't like a salamander's tail, Hilary... it doesn't grow back.

Stephen Colbert > You

2006-06-16T15:41:00.000-03:00

Displaying a monument of "the ten commandments" in a judicial building seems like a kind of distracting issue for Americans when things that are actually important happen every day, but who am I to judge?

Stephen Colbert's stock goes up ten-fold, however, by displaying just how hypocritical a person can be when shoving religion down people's throats. Enjoy.

Pure Unadulterated "Bill" Shit

2006-06-15T02:17:00.000-03:00

I could spew some venom at Ann Coulter right now for her complete disregard for maintaining any semblence of integrity, but she's such a huge target right now - an easy one at that - I don't see the point. Instead, I'll just take a pot shot at Bill O' Reilly. Actually it's more of a regurgitated pot shot, but it's still a good one.

On the Today Show, as he was being interviewed by that shit stain, Matt Lauer, O' Reilly criticized Ann Coulter for using personal attacks to get her point across. He then had the gall to claim that he's never used personal attacks on anyone that he's been critical towards. Bullshit, Billy. Media Matters might be a left-wing site that revels in their bias towards Democrats and targeting of Republicans, but this time they are right on the money.

Same Old Shit

2006-06-14T18:40:00.000-03:00

Premiere Rodney McDonald held onto his job after the Tuesday elections, but just barely. The small town gimmick didn't work as well as he had hopes, I guess. Oh well, it's not like that gimmick has been used in nearly every other election in Nova Scotia.

I didn't even bother voting this time to be perfectly honest. I might have voted Liberal, since the local MLA Stephen MacNeil does a good job of representing the communities around here, but I couldn't bring myself to vote for a floundering party that couldn't even get it's own leader to win his riding.

So we've got another minority government, which given the circumstances isn't such a terrible thing, as I would not look forward to the Conservative Party having a majority government. It would serve the province better in relations to the federal government, sure, but look at the federal government and tell me that it's something we should be cozying up to. No thank you.

Ashlee Simpson Is A Bitch

2006-06-13T16:54:00.000-03:00

Celebrities tend to have a knack for being contradictory and hypocritical, but Ashlee Simpson has got to be the gold medalist in bullshit right now. Why?

Well, take a look at this quote from her recent interview Marie Claire Magazine and then you tell me...

"Everyone is made differently, and that's what makes us beautiful and unique. I want girls to look in the mirror and feel confident."

This coming from a vapid pop star that has put more effort into trying to look like her older sister than become a respectable music artist. According to the magazine, "She's had it with Hollywood's twisted view of feminine beauty. Her goal: to get women to appreciate their diverse shapes and sizes. Along with a group of teens, Simpson send the kind of messages we all want to hear."

That is such a load of crap, Marie Claire offices must be situated inside of an outhouse. Ashlee Simpson is one of the last celebrities in the States that teenaged girls should be looking to as a role-model. She's a fraud in almost every sense of the word, from her lip-syncing all the way to her stunningly obvious nose-job that she continues to avoid acknowledging... like noone with a moderate amount of eye-sight can see. The conniving little cunt starves herself to a point that rivels the likes of Paris "Sex Tape" Hilton and Lindsay "Fire Crotch" Lohan, sings so badly that producers have to edit her tracks heavily and get her to lip-synce her live performances, mimmicks her sister while saying that she wants to create an identity of her own, and now undergoes cosmetic surgery while simultaneously telling teenaged girls that they should be happy with how they look naturally.

I will not be surprised in the least if Ashlee Simpson kills her sister, Jessica, and starts walking around in public wearing Jessica's skin as a mask. Then when someone points it out, she'll deny it and say that it's her own skin.

KITH: Crowd Control

2006-06-12T01:39:00.000-03:00

Here's some more Kids in the Hall for ya. God, these guys knew comedy. Bow down.

Save Someone Else

2006-06-11T15:14:00.000-03:00

I'm an atheist. I'm not an Atheist. That capitalized "a" denotes some kind of official status or doctrine like when someone defines themselves as a Christian. It doesn't work that way with atheism though, at least as far as I'm concerned.

When folks ask me if I believe in God and I reply with a simple "no", I find myself inundated with questions about my supposed doctrine or vast philosophies on why God doesn't exist. I get hit with statements like, "So you have absolute knowledge? You know with all certainty that there is no God?"

It's at this point that I start getting that intial compulsion to grind my teeth in frustration that I would be asked such ludicrous questions. Absolute knowledge is not a prerequisite to not believe in a god. There is no such thing as "absolute" knowledge, and everyone knows this, yet religous people bring these questions up as some kind of speed bump, as if I'm going to have an epiphany right there and realize that there must be a God.

This is usually the point where they say that I can't be an atheist, I must be an agnostic. This is because, according to them, atheists take the stance that there is no God or gods in some kind of absolute affirmation. Agnostics on the other hand take the stance that they don't know if there is a god or not. Somewhere in the line of thinking, knowledge is equated with belief. Think about that for a second. If you believe in something then you must know it to be true. With that kind of inane thinking, a person who believes in UFO's is stating that they "know" that UFO's exist, a person who believes in Santa Claus is stating that they "know" that Santa Claus exists. That line of thinking would apparently work the other way as well, as unbelief would require absolute knowledge by their line of thinking. Are you kidding me?

Lack of belief does not require anything more than a rejection in what has been proposed. I don't believe in UFO's, I don't believe in Santa Claus, and I don't believe in gods. I don't say outright that I know with all certainty that none of those things exist. I merely make the stance that there is insufficient evidence to support such outlandish claims. What is there to substantiate that any of those things exist to a degree that to not believe in them would be a rejection of what is true and factual?

I could go on a fair bit more, but this is about all of this subject that I can stand at the moment. Oh, and Uma Thurman is apparently a heathen too. That's brownie points in her favor for my books. Definitely makes up for those sasquatch feet of hers.

Kirk Cameron Is An Idiot

2006-06-08T23:05:00.000-03:00

Honestly... he is. I just watched an episode of that propoganda that he likes to pass off as show called "The Way of the Master" that discussed atheism. Wow. I just couldn't get over how stunningly misleading, one-sided, and outright wrong Kirk Cameron and his banana-lovin' cohort, Ray Comfort, were as they discussed atheism.

The entire episode was dedicated to equating atheism as a fool's religion and that it actually takes more faith to not believe in God (Kirk's and Ray's God specifically) than it does to believe in a magical man in the sky to creating everything in the universe and has ultimate knowledge of everything that has happened and will happen.

Feel free to check out the tactics that the Hollywood wash-out uses along with his ring-leader here. If you're an Evangelical Christian, you'll eat it up with a spoon probably, but rationally thinking folks are going to see right through this steaming pile of bologna. I'd break down where this video strays off course, but I found another blog that did it in a much more effecient way.

http://goosetheantithesis.blogspot.com

Ah well, at least Candice is still reasonably hot. I wonder if she's as batshit crazy as her brother.

Jessica Alba's Tits: Real of Fake?

2006-06-05T19:45:00.000-03:00

My answer: Who cares?

I hear rumors all through the "Access Hollywood" type shows and sites that usually have some type of scrutiny on Jessica Alba's attitude or physical appearance. I could, honestly, give a shit about whether she's a bitch or not or whether she's got implants. The girl is just plain gorgeous and has been since I first saw her in "Idle Hands" (one of my favorite under-the-radar movies of all time).

The latest thing to come along was a high-rez picture of her at the MTV Movie Awards, here, where a debate is going on about what that little scar is on the side of her breast... or if it even is a scar. I can't reall tell what it is despite the insane quality of the picture. It could be a surgical scar, some other kind of scar, of just a flesh colored piece of boob-tape to keep that dress of hers from falling off like she was Tara Reid on a bender.

There are a ton of incredibly beautiful women on this planet, but Jessica Alba is just one of those women that could stomp on my nuts with a stilleto heel and call my mother a whore, and I'd still look at her all dreamy-eyed through my tears of pain and anguish. I'm no scientist, but I'm pretty sure that if you threw her pussy up into the air it would turn into sunshine.

I Miss The Kids In The Hall

2006-06-03T23:56:00.000-03:00

It's been a long time since I've seen a full episode of "The Kids In The Hall", but thanks to the yummy goodness that is YouTube I can relive some of their best sketches. In case any of you degenerates are tired of seeing the talentless pieces of shit that pollute once great shows like MadTV and SNL, and you're interested in seeing some real comedy, I suggest you check out the genius that is Dave Foley, Bruce McCulloch, Kevin McDonald, Mark McKinney, and Scott Thompson.

Here's one of their gems. I just might have to post one of these whenever the mood strikes me because I would hate to think that someone could go through life without seeing some great sketch comedy.

Bill O' Reilly Is An Ass

2006-06-02T15:05:00.000-03:00

For years, I've been of the opinion that Bill O' Reilly is grossly under-qualified to hold the position that he has with FOX News. He is not a good journalist and he's barely competent as a host. He's deceptive, manipulative, and ignorant on more levels than I've seen from nearly any other member of the media. I have yet to see this guy admit when he's wrong, and when he comes close to admitting he is wrong he finds a way to spin it so that he was right all along. Here's the latest example of Bill O' Reilly's douchebaggery.

I <3 Poker

2006-06-01T23:25:00.000-03:00

I'll be damned if I'm not a glutton for punishment when it comes to online poker. Don't get me wrong though. I've never actually deposited any of my own money to play the game. When I first started out I was quite content to simply go to the "Play Money" tables to practise, and that was fun... for a while.

Then I started playing on www.scorepoker.com when an online friend told me about it. I ended up winning $150 in a 300 seat tournament one weekend, which was very cool to say the least. Then this past winter, one of the girls that is a regular on Score Poker told me about a site called www.instantbankroll.com where I got a free $100 to play with on Party Poker. It's been slow going, but I've still got around $170 in my account after withdrawling $110 a while back.

And another online poker fiend, who is a nut with Poker Stars he's so good, spotted me a little over $20 to play a few SnGs on that site to get me started. Unfortunately, I was never able to break the $100 mark where I would have paid him back his money, and now I've got a measily $1 sitting in the account teasing me. Cruel temptress.

But I've got one more chance on Poker Stars to have some fun after finding out from Professor 77 about a free tournament just for bloggers. Now that, my friends, is cool.

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 2820587

Yeah, But She Gives Good Headlines

2006-06-01T16:40:00.000-03:00

It's occurred to me every now and then that the press doesn't really pump out a whole lot of good news. What "good news" you do see usually ends up being one of those fluff pieces that follows the sports and weather. Something that has the anchor leading in with, "... and before we leave you tonight, here's a quirky little story...", and then they show some story about how a mother pig has adopted an orphaned puppy or some shit like that.

Then something else occurred to me while I was watching the news on television the other night - American news is a lot more depressing to watch than Canadian news. After tuning into the local CTV news, I switched over to FOX and found that there was a lot more death and fear and overall badness being reported compared to what I saw an hour before.

Maybe it's not indicative of what the news is all about though for either country, or maybe it is. I'm not an expert and I won't pretend to be one, but I did find this interesting: Here are the top ten headlines for national news on both FOX News' website and CTV News' website.

FOX News:

Louisiana Levee System 'Did Not Perform' (Natural Disaster)
Kidnap Suspect to Be Charged? (Kidnapping)
Funeral for Strangulation Victim (Murder)
Student Spikes Drink With Bleach for Lead in School Play (Attempted Murder)
Woman Dead, Man Hospitalized With Plague in New Mexico (Disease)
Four GIs Killed in Georgia Chopper Crash (Death)
N.Y., D.C. Get Less Money to Prevent Terror (Money, Terror)
Woman Pleads Guilty to Helping Spouse, 15, Escape Custody (Crime, Statutory Rape)
Arrest Made in Case of Carjacked Oklahoma Car Salesman (Kidnapping)
Sniper Gets Six Life Terms for Md. Attacks (Crime, Murder)

CTV News:

Volpe (Liberal Leadership hopeful) returns controversial campaign donations (Money)
Alleged Chinese smuggler's deportation delayed (Drugs)
Employment rose in 2005 for 13th straight year (Good News)
Herbicides at N.B. base were common: reports (Agriculture)
Canada's mayors call for bigger share of taxes (Money)
Women fleeing abuse are at high risk of murder (Fear, Murder)
Ont. judge seeks answers on Caledonia occupation (Native Affairs)
Landslides force Quebec residents to flee (Disaster)
Passport plan is far behind schedule: U.S. report (Canada/US Relations)
Provinces slow on wait times guarantee: Clement (Healthcare)

It's only a microdot of what's going on with both countries, but I gotta tell ya... If I was gonna pick a country to live in based solely on those headlines, I'd still be living in the Great White North.

I'm Healthier Than A Yank

2006-05-31T00:43:00.000-03:00

According to a new ABC News Study, Canadians are healthier than Americans. Yay. If you're living south of the border you're 42% more likely to have diabetes, 32 % more likely to have high blood pressure, and 37% more likely to have your eyes pecked out by a rabid sparrow.

We Canucks already walk around with an air of righteous superiority towards Americans with their guns, violence, and inferior hockey skills, so it should come as no surprise that this only adds more ammo to our weapon of mass indignation.

The funny this is that even though the survey can't be taken as gospel, it is more than likely a good indicator that socialized healthcare isn't as terrible as some folks would make it out to be. Sure there are some hang-ups with it like the long wait times for some surgeries and procedures, but for the most part Canadian healthcare is the bee's knees and I covet it like Americans covet that "right to bear arms" mumbo-jumbo.

Our healthcare system could only account for a small fraction of our improved health though, and I'll bet that there's a multitude of reasons for why we're less likely to become disease-ridden whores like Paris Hilton and the rest of America. Maybe there's a secret enzime in maple syrup that boosts our immune system, maybe it's the bitching cold of winter that toughens us up, or maybe it's just the air of knowing that we're just plain better than America. Sure, they've got the guns and the money, but they've apparently got the clogged arteries and poor blood-sugar too.

Ya win some, ya lose some. At least they claim Brittany Daniel's superior DNA as their own.

The Unfriendly Giant

2006-05-29T19:33:00.000-03:00

Camping and alcohol can be a catalyst for some interesting campfire topics. One that came up this past weekend was kids' shows from the 80's. A particular show that got brought up was "The Friendly Giant".

For those of you poor saps that never grew up watching Friendly, I pity you, but may be an even greater tragedy is that you most likely haven't listened to "The Unfriendly Giant" on the radio. This was a short radio skit that parodied the children's show and was done by a Toronto DJ, Tom Rivers.

I haven't heard those skits since school, but as soon as someone said "Unfriendly Giant" while we sat around the fire, it sparked a plethora of impersonations of the parody including the drunken giraffe, Jerome, and the neurotic chicken who was always being tortured by Unfriendly, Rusty.

When I got back from camp yesterday, I sat down at the computer and did a Google for it and I'll be damned if I didn't hit a tiny goldmine that had two of the radio skits... and in a flash animation format no less. These are a real treat whether you are familiar with the children's show or not, so check them out.

Unfriendly Giant - Health Day
Unfriendly Giant - Safety Day

I <3 Camping

2006-05-27T16:10:00.000-03:00

... but I fucking hate the humidity. It's only in the low 20's but I'd swear it's closer to the 30's. My body is still adjusting out of it's winter hibernation period I guess. Well, that's just too bad for the ol' sweat glands 'cause I'm hitting the lake today.

Let's have a look at the ol' checklist.

Beer. check.
Red meat. check.
Playing cards. check.
Beer. check and check.

There. I'm all set. Blackflies and mosquitoes will be a bitch, I'm sure, but I've been waiting since last October for the first warm weekend to head out with the gang to the lake. And it's literally in the middle of nowhere, so there's little to no chance of cops busting us up, although there is a slightly increased chance of a knife-weilding serial killer to be lurking in the bushes. Fuck it. You take the good with the bad.

Vote or Die: Are Those My Only Options?

2006-05-27T00:31:00.000-03:00

Ugh. I hate elections. The same old shit happens every time. The Liberals and the Conservatives blast eachother with nonsensical rhetoric, while the NDP gets left off in the corner raising their hand and begging for someone to pay attention to them.

I don't know why the politicians spend so much time campaigning anyway. It's not like anyone listens to what the issues are and who supports what. People have basically made up their minds already on who they're going to vote for and the undecided make up a very small percentage of the voting public.

"My daddy voted conservative, so that's what I'm gonna vote too."

That's basically the kind of broad political scrutinizing that you'll see across the province (and quite possibly the country). It beats thinking for yourself anyway. With some folks it just doesn't matter who it is that's running as the Liberal or the Conservative. You could dress up a seagull in red and a lobster in blue and people would vote by the color without even a second glance at who/what they are voting for.

To be perfectly honest, I may not even vote on June 13th. There really is no incentive for me to bother. The province has been run basically the same for decades now whether it's been the Grits or the Tories, and I see no change in sight. Fuck it. Maybe I'll just vote for the Green Party. They stand no chance at winning a single riding, but at least I'll be able to say I voted thereby inheriting my "right" to piss and moan about whoever it is that actually got elected as Premier.

Oh, Laura Prepon. Won't you wisk me away from this dullardry known as Maritime politics?

Too Cool For School

2006-05-25T21:13:00.000-03:00

Sorry, kids. You can't have any pudding if you don't eat your meat... or sign away your rights to the school district.

Down around Chicago, Illinois a school board unanimously voted a rule change that would basically hold a student accountable to the school board for whatever they post on their personal blogs or MySpace pages. The schools are actually making students sign "pledges" that if evidence appears online of "illegal or inappropriate behavior" then the kiddies are up for punishment.

Sounds all well and good at first glance, but then you realize that the schools are really starting to reach outside of their boundaries of authority to discipline students. Hell, their so-called noble efforts have already gotten one 17-year-old facing expulsion because he posted a critical examination in his blog on the disciplanary action that the school took on a friend of his.

At least we get to see what the new rule is really for - talk shit about the school or it's staff and you're gonna get fucked in the ass.

Maybe it's me, but it seems really fucking odd that a school could assume authority for what a student says and/or does outside of the school's grounds. I don't have a problem with a school looking out to curb illegal activity, but that stuff is up to parents and the police to take care of... not the school board. If l'il Johnny is smoking weed behind the bleachers at school then I can understand why the school board wants to crack down on the little fucker, but if he's getting high at a house party across town then the school doesn't have shit to say.

And it's not even drugs that are going to get this kid expelled. He just disagreed with how the school punished his friend and because he spoke out about it online, the school wants to fuck up his Christmas too. It's not the best interest of the students that the schools are looking out for. This is just plain, good ol' fashioned censorship of the douche-baggiest variety.

His Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Yard

2006-05-24T13:09:00.000-03:00

Reverend Pat Robertson is the strongest man in the world. It's true. It has to be true. The Christian Broadcasting Network wouldn't lie. The 700 Club wouldn't lie. Pat Robertson himself wouldn't lie. Oh wait... Yes they would.

Over on the CBN's website in the “Health” section they're schilling out Pat Robertson's Age-Defying Health Shake. That's right, the same guy that talks to God about the upcoming hurricane season also has time to develop his very own diet shake. That's not even the amazing thing though. According the website, the 76 year old Pat Robertson can leg-press 2,000 lbs. I think you should re-read that. Pat Robertson, a 76 year old man who vaguely resembles Hans Moleman of the Simpsons, claims to be able to literally leg-press an entire ton, and he owes it all to a health shake that he created himself... or licensed through GNC. One of the other.

Let's put that into perspective for a moment. If Pat Robertson has actually accomplished that feet of strength that would mean that he has shattered the Florida State University leg-press all-time record of 1,335 pounds by more than 600 pounds. 665 to be exact. That's insane. Furthermore, when they established that record at FSU, they had to modify the leg-press machine to hold that much weight because they are simply not designed to hold that much weight. At best, they hold approximately 1,000 pounds but most are designed for around 400-500 pounds.

Another tidbit of info about that record is that the guy who established it, Dan Kendra, suffered burst capillaries in his eyes due to the strain of lifting the weight. If you look at Pat Robertson when he is on his show has it ever appeared that he had severely bloodshot eyes to the point where they were red? Nope. You know why? Because the capillaries in his eyes never burst due to leg-pressing an entire ton with his pale, 76 year old turkey legs. Either he's stunningly full of shit or he has performed a miracle. You decide for yourself.

Maybe I'm wrong for calling bullshit on this though. Maybe he actually did it. Hell, there might be more to it than just that “age-defying health shake” alone. It turns out that he also has his very own “Age-Defying Protein Pancakes” that he claims help fight cancer. Wow. I'd be a fool not to give this guy my money.

Fuck The Police

2006-05-23T19:34:00.000-03:00

I read an article the other day about a young Virginia couple, Joshua Kelly and Llara Brook, that got harassed and arrested by a Baltimore, Maryland policewoman for doing nothing more than asking for directions to get out of Baltimore so they could go back home after visiting an Orioles game.

The couple had driven to Baltimore to attend a company picnic and were treated to an Orioles baseball game afterwards. After the game, the two had trouble finding their way out of the city since they were completely unfamiliar with the territory. After spotting a police vehicle in south Baltimore they figured their troubles were over. Wrong.

After calling over from their car to the police car for help and directions, the cop ordered them to pull over for running a stop sign. The couple obliged and had no problem with being given the fine, but repeated they needed help getting out of the city so they could go home. The officer Natalie Preston just said, "You found your own way in here, you can find your own way out."

Beautiful. Since the surly cunt was refusing to help the couple, the couple waved over to another passing police car in hopes of getting directions from a police officer who wasn't a total bitch. Preston actually stepped between the couple's car and the other police car and said that no officer was going to give them directions if she wasn't. Holy shit. This bitch is crazy.

After all that was said and done, the couple pulled over a little ways down the street so Llara could call her parents (police officers in her home state of Pennsylvania) on her cell phone to get directions. Officer Preston screeched up behind their car, stormed out, and ordered Joshua to step out of the car and arrested him on charges of "trespassing" on a public street. Upset, Llara pleaded with the cop that she couldn't be left alone, so the bitch arrested her too. Wonderful.

They were detained for an entire eight hours before finally being released with no charges being laid against them. To top it all off, when they retrieved their car from the impound lot they found that the windows were still rolled down, the doors were unlocked, and a slew of belongings were missing including a cell phone charger and 20 music cd's.

Baltimore PD is said to be "looking into the incident". Yeah right. Piss on that. If anything comes from this in the form of disciplinary action, I'll be surprised.

And people wonder why I don't trust cops. For my entire life, I have never had a single pleasant encounter with a police officer. Why? I'm guessing it had to do with my long hair that I sported because as soon as I got a hair cut they stopped harassing me.

I've had cops "keep me company" while I've waited for the bus to "make sure I get on it okay". I've had cops tell me that I fit the description of a suspect that they're looking for that turns out to resemble nothing like me. I've had cops follow me from one town to the next because I was exhibiting "suspicious behavior", which is really strange when the strangest thing that happened on any of those occasions was going grocery shopping. I even had a cop pull me over and search my car for no reason other than I was 5 miles from a community that is known to be a haven to drug dealers.

Joshua and Llara, welcome to my world. You have family members that are in law enforcement and that's great. I've got family friends that are in law enforcement too, but that doesn't negate the fact that there are a lot of police out there that are leery of anyone under the age of 30 and will give them shit anytime they can get away with it.

Fuck the police.

Oh, and if you're wondering why there's a pic of Avril Lavigne in this post... look at her! She's officially hot now. Who knew that the mousy little punk would turn into a bonified sex kitten?

Gay Bar

2006-05-23T18:39:00.000-03:00

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I've never been a huge fan of punk music, particularly British punk music, but when used for comedic purposes it can be solid gold... and that's just what this little gem is.

PPV Review: Judgment Day '06

2006-05-22T23:19:00.000-03:00

Smackdown is currently in trouble. Hell, WWE as a whole is in trouble. Why? Because they seem to be either oblivious or indignant towards how they are booking their "Superstars". Vince and Co. were having a good run there for a while with their creative decisions for the most part last year, but somehow all that progress that they made to distance themselves from the stigma left behind from 2001-2003 seems to be fading away... and this pay-per-view exemplified what I'm getting at I believe.

But let's just take a look at the start of the show and move from there.

Brian Kendrick/Paul London vs. MNM - This has been a fairly good feud between the two teams and I was looking forward to more matches down the road from them. Everything leading up to this match gave the impression that we were gonna see them battle it out for at least another month or two. That's not gonna happen though. Kendrick and London win, but instead of building towards a rematch we see MNM break up and Nitro and Melina get "fired" from Smackdown.

You gotta be shitting me. WWE needs to think long and hard about what they actually want out of a tag-team division because constantly disintegrating teams is a shawdy way to do business. And the thought of the Gymini being the next contenders and inevitable champions just makes me a little queezy.

Chris Benoit vs. Finlay - Good match. I've always appreciated Finlay's matches and I'm glad to see him get a push in WWE even though he's passed his prime. Benoit won, which is good because WWE has been burying him lately and they need to realize that he's getting some of the biggest pops on Smackdown. Finlay, on the other hand, is rumored to be getting paired up with a midget who will play a Leprechaun. Ho. Ly. Fuck. Bad idea.

Jillian vs. Melina - Before Melina got "fired" she had what might be Smackdown's best Diva match in history with Jillian. Both are hot as hell and can actually wrestle. They're not quite as hot as Maria (who is safely atop my fantasy pile), but even so their looks make it surprising when they put on such an impressive showing compared to some of the other tarts that get in the ring and just stink the joint out. At least with Melina supposedly headed to Raw, she'll be able to further showcase her talents because it ain't happening on Smackdown. In the meantime, however, what the fuck is WWE going to do with Jillian?

Super Crazy vs. Gregory Helms - Super Crazy is over like Rover despite having zero mic skills... at least none that have been demonstrated since I first saw him wrestle. The cruiserweight division will never get showcased to any remarkable degree, so I was just happy to see this match on the main card instead of being thrown to Heat. This match was actually one of the high points of the show because the booking actually made sense. That feeling wouldn't last long though.

Kurt Angle vs. Mark Henry - What a waste of time this match was. I didn't hate it because Mark Henry can't wrestle because he can to a degree. My problem stems from the fact that Angle is working hurt and for some reason couldn't put over Henry with a pinfall, so we got some weak ass "Dusty Rhodes must have booked this crap" count-out victory for Henry. Then we get one of the worst table spots in history when Angle can't even get a 400+ lb. man to drop through a breakaway table. Absolutely no point to this schlock being on pay-per-view. Thumbs down.

Bobby Lashley vs. Booker T - Everyone, or most everyone, was picking Lashley to win since he's the young gun and needs a little extra push to get over as the "next big thing". He's just too green though. If it's not a one-on-one match the guy gets lost and that's not what WWE needs as their next King of the Ring. Booker T though fits the bill, as he has been getting some crazy heel heat ever since he turned last fall. He's not getting any younger, sure, but this match displayed that he can carry the young guns to a watchable match and can work a crowd like few others. Another good thing coming from the show was how it put over both men and didn't really detract from their creative direction. The Finlay run-in was a little off for me though, as I thought that feud was finally over with... guess not.

The Undertaker vs. The Great Khali - God dammit, Khali can't wrestle worth a lick. He makes Nathan Jones look like Dean Malenko for Christ's sake. After that mind-numbingly bad booking decision to have him squash the World Champion a couple weeks ago, I really thought it was beyond stupid to have him lose to Undertaker at this show and basically negate everything he's accomplished character-wise so far. WWE must have thought the same thing because they basically squashed Undertaker in this match. Khali beat him clean in one of the shittiest matches that I have ever had the displeasure of sitting through. Undertaker must be in the dog house or actually likes this kid because I can't see him laying down for him without being heavily bribed in the process.

Rey Mysterio vs. JBL - This feud started okay, but WWE has been making Rey look like a weak and unsympathetic champion since Day One. Thank God he won the match because if he had lost he would have gone down in history as one of the worst babyface champions of all time. And one of the main things that is working against Rey is the incessent use of Eddie Guerrero in storylines. Noone cares about Rey, they care about Eddie. If they gave a shit about the World Champion then they might chant his name instead of Eddie's. Meh. Decent match to watch, but terrible feud.

All in all, this was a poor show and it doesn't bode well for Smackdown in the long run if this is the pace they're going to go at through the summer. Spring is usually a down time for WWE anyway, but Smackdown is really in the gutter right now. What few strong wrestlers remaining that are healthy are not being booked strong enough to bolster the main event, and they've still got to worry about the longevity of their main stars Kurt Angle, Batista, Mark Henry, Great Khali, and Undertaker. It could be a real long summer for Smackdown if business doesn't pick up.

Dressed To Kill... Or Be Killed

2006-05-21T23:07:00.000-03:00

Get this... there's a rumor going around thanks to an article in the National Post last week that intimates that Iran has passed a law that puts a dress code on its citizens. It also requires members of religious minorites to where insignias on their clothing while in public so that they can be distinguished from the prodominent organized religion of Islam in Iran.

The article was refuted by Iran's parliament and others living in Iran that while there is a dress code law now in place to discourage a more "western" style of dress, there is no provision that discriminates against religious minorities of any kind.

I sincerely hope that the rumor is false. It's lame enough that an entire country's government has set in place a dress code like the country was a damned stodgy private school, but to have the country basically branding anyone who isn't a devout Muslim is beyond insane.

I can appreciate a school or a business wanting to cut down on its male employees wearing swim trunks and flip-flops to the office and female employees wearing mini skirts and see-thru tops (although I personally endorse that latter one), but I just have to shake my head sometimes at what goes on in other countries. Schools imposing dress codes is a slight stretch in and of itself, in my opinion, but that's an instituation. A government, however, has no god damned right to start telling people what they can and cannot where out in public.

I suppose it's just something that you have to expect from a part of the world where free thinking individuals are heavily scrutinized and opressed, and public executions are still a spectator sport. It just irks me to think that a Jew might have to where some kind of insignia on their clothing to proclaim their faith to the general public in a country full of people that are less than appreciative of Judaism and it's people.

The last time Jews had to wear an insignia like that was, oh let's see... 1939?

I got Scarlett's picture in this post solely to sooth my inner rage. I think I'll do that for every time I have to bitch about something. :)

Coke And Pepsi Taste The Same

2006-05-20T20:46:00.000-03:00

I keep hearing this fucking debate about which cola tastes better - Coke or Pepsi - and to be honest, I'm tired of it. They taste the same, dammit.

It's cola. Dress it up any way you want. Put whatever label on it that you want. Have whatever hot piece of ass to schill it in commercials for you that you want. At the end of the day, it's just cola.

Maybe my taste buds just aren't as highly attuned to distinguishing the infinitesimal difference in taste between Coke and Pepsi... but I doubt it. I just think people are getting duped by corporations in a perpetual struggle to take your money and establish some kind of brand-name loyalty.

Every now and then you'll see a blind taste test on television with a sampling of slack jawed hillbillies lined up behind a table, taking swigs of cola out of dixie cups, trying to decide which brand tastes better. Well guess what, Johnny Ray. They're all the same and your brain is just tricking itself into picking one over the other in hopes that you'll pick the brand that just might give you the best shot of attaining success in life.

It's like those nauseating ads for chewing gum that you see nowadays. Judging from the marketing strategies behind Dentyne and other companies, chewing gum will get you laid. Here's the scoop, though... that's just pure bullshit. At no time in my life have I ever popped a piece of gum in my mouth and been instantly swept away to an exotic locale to have some nameless beauty queen lip lock onto me like my tongue was enriched with her daily multivitamin. It doesn't happen, folks, and the brand of gum you choose isn't going to make a damned bit of difference. It's fucking gum for Christ's sake.

It's like the two-party system that's in place down in the States - Democrats or Republicans. They might as well have Coca-Cola endorse one party and then have Pepsi endorse the other. It really doesn't matter because when all is said and done it's the same damned party and it's the same fucking cola.

I like cola. Don't get me wrong about my tirade about Pepsi and Coke. I'll drink cola just as much as anyone else on the civilized side of the planet. The difference with me, however, is the fact that I'm not swayed by fancy jingles and celebrities with fake tits, shaking their asses on screen, and saying how one brand is just so god-damned better than the other.

Hell, wasn't Christina Aguilera singing shitty songs in Cola-Cola ads one year, and then singing the same shitty songs in Pepsi ads the next year? I'm pretty sure she was. Did she have an epiphany and realize she had been drinking an inferior product all those years? Of course not, she's not a moron. She got offered more money to promote a product that's basically the same damned thing that she was promoting the year before.

You know what brand of cola I drink, Christina? The cheapest one. That's right. Depending upon whatever is on sale that week, or whatever is marked down on the shelves, that's what I'm going to buy. If it's Pepsi, fine. If it's Coke, fine. I'll drink RC Cola all the damned time if it's cheap enough because it tastes just as good as the "Big Two". The brand I buy the most though is one none of you have probably even heard of though - Big 8. It's a generic brand that makes soda of nearly every flavor and I get it at nearly half the price of the "Big Two", and sometimes even cheaper than that. Sure, there's no hot spokesmodel cozying up to the can like it's her favorite vibrator. Sure, there's no contests where I can win a trip to see some shitty movies with 5 of my friends. But I just want some fucking cola! If you can sell me that at the cheapest price on the shelf, then you're my favorite brand... until someone sells it cheaper.

Poseidon Sucked

2006-05-19T14:11:00.000-03:00

If I had actually paid money to see this movie, I'd be pissed.

With all the hype surrounding The Da Vinci Code, film critics have been having a field day by tearing it apart in an effort to help boost their over-inflated sense of importance. If you ask me though, their time would be better served in utterly destroying Poseidon in their review columns instead.

Between Da Vinci and Poseidon, Ron Howard's latest film looks like a damned masterpiece... and at least it would be a masterpiece based on a story that's been heavily anticipated to be put on celluloid. Who in the fuck asked for someone to remake The Poseidon Adventure?

The Poseidon Adventure had lasting appeal from it's 1970's release because it was one of those films that stood out as a mark of accomplish for it's time. The special effects that were pulled off for the film were quite remarkable for that era, but what does this remake have to offer? Nothing. Strip away all the fancy CGI work and you've got one of the most poorly acted and poorly written films of this decade. Not even Mia Maestro's heavenly form was enough to make me enjoy this film.

The film is so bad that it only makes par when compared to that horrendous tv movie version of Poseidon that aired last fall... and that ain't good for a "blockbuster" spring release movie that heads into the box office between Mission: Impossible 3 and The Da Vinci Code. I'm glad to see that this movie couldn't even knock M:I 3 off the top spot because it means that there weren't enough sheep to pack theaters to give this movie more credit than it's worth.

If you haven't seen this movie yet, don't bother. Just wait for it to hit DVD and then you might get your movies worth with all the DVD extras like an apology from the director for putting out a shitty movie like this.

Pat Robertson Predicts The Weather

2006-05-18T20:43:00.000-03:00

"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms." - Pat Robertson of the 700 Club

Well, slap my ass and call me Ali Landry. God is a meteorologist now... and a pretty good one at that apparently.

Apart from my initial disgust of that wrinkly old bastard, I just have to shake my head sometimes at the idea that there are thousands upon thousands of people who actually put stock in what this intolerant old fart says on his self-serving television network.

Hurricane's are going to hit the eastern coast of America during the hurricane season? Holy shit! Run for the hills! This is big news. Stuff like this doesn't happen every year, you know. Oh wait... Yes it does!

Sometimes I feel like someone just needs to walk up to that miserable old coot and just give him one good smack across the mouth. Maybe the jarring sensation of having his head rocked on it's shoulders would knock some sense into that withered melon of his for once. It's hurricane season, you jackass. Of course America is going to get lashed by hurricanes. America always gets lashed by hurricanes. Check the file footage of news reporters standing outside in the wind and rain every year, as they pretend to be journalists when they're nothing more than props for the viewers' amusement.

God told you the hurricanes were coming, Pat? So what. I could have told you that and so could have anyone in North America that has rudimentary mental capacity... which would probably eliminate a large majority of your loyal viewers.

... Oh, and if anyone is wondering why I have a picture of Ali Landry in this post instead of Pat Robertson, you should probably get in line for a kick in the pants because the answer should be glaringly obvious.

The Truth Is Blurry

2006-05-17T23:23:00.000-03:00

WASHINGTON — Conspiracy theorists may or may not be disappointed Tuesday when they see footage released from the Pentagon showing two angles of American Flight 77 hitting the western wall of the building on Sept. 11, 2001.

That's what Fox News had to say on their website Wednesday under the heading of "Pentagon Releases Video of Plane Hitting Building on 9/11". I don't think you would have to be a conspiracy theorist to look at the "amazing" new footage that was released by the U.S. Department of Justice and respond with a resounding "meh".

So let me get this straight. Some government watchdog named "Judicial Watch" files a lawsuit against the Justice Department to get video footage released that would show the airline jet colliding with the wall of the Pentagon, the government puts up a stink about national security risks and evidence being tainted due to the release of this footage, and when it's finally ruled for the footage to be released and it hits the airwaves and the Internet... this blurry schlock is what we're served? This is what Judicial Watch went to bat for?

Well pardon the hell out of me while I call bullshit. I'm not much of a conspiracy theorist, but I don't appreciate it when someone points to a pile of shit and calls it ice-cream, expecting me to believe them like I'm some kind of hapless drone. While the entire idea that the Bush Administration or some nefarious incarnation of war-mongers staged an incredibly elaborate attack on it's own soil in order to suit their own agenda is far fetched at face value, I'm not going to take a government at their word either. I like to make up my own mind. Blindly putting faith in a politician might be fine for folks like Britney Spears and other sheepish peons, but I have a little more respect for myself than that.

I've watched this new footage and then read quotes like, "Finally, we hope that this video will put to rest the conspiracy theories involving American Airlines Flight 77," and, "Yet another conspiracy theory laid to rest." It boggles my mind sometimes. How anyone can watch that out-of-focus mess and say that it's indisputable proof that Flight 77 hit the Pentagon, I'll never know. You're eyes would have to be still adjusting to the daylight after briefly removing your head from your ass to look at the footage.

Do I think Flight 77 hit the Pentagon, or do I subscribe to the conspiracy theory that it was something else? To be perfectly honest, I haven't made up my mind yet. I can say this much though - a blurry photograph of what may or may not be a 757 is not going to convince me that what the U.S. government says is the gospel truth. If you happen to be one of those easily appeased and rather gullible individuals who accept an out-of-focus picture as irrefutable evidence, however, I have a couple of other photographs that should show you the truth behind some lingering conspiracy theories as well.

Column: My House, My Rules Vol. III

2006-05-17T16:47:00.000-03:00

It's like what Doug Stanhope says – There are way too many fucking laws. The world would be much better off it there were just ten laws... that's it. Everyone would get to vote on them too. Have a big ol' phone poll and the top ten get put on the books. Sure, you'd have to have a couple on top that always stayed no matter way, like “murder” and “rape”, but the rest would be on a voting basis every six months. So when the votes have been counted, you might be disappointed that you can't smoke in bars anymore, but at least you can jerk off on the bus again.

Unfortunately, the world doesn't work quite like that, so in the meantime I might as well heap on a few more rules since every douche bag with an axe to grind is calling for more legislation and restrictions on the most innocuous things. I mean why the fuck do you need a specific law in New York to prohibit walking around on Sundays with an ice-cream cone in your pocket? Who the fuck was the genius that thought that one up? And who was the enormous douche bag that let it get passed into law?

Rule #1: If you're called the “Masterpiece” to exemplify that you have the best physique in WWE, make sure you've actually got the best physique in WWE.

When Chris Masters debuted after WrestleMania 21, I was honestly impressed with how sculpted the guy was. The trouble was that his physique was the only thing about the guy that legitimately impressed me. Take that away and you've got the epitome of a generic wrestler.

Which brings us to today and WWE's “Wellness Program”. They should have just named it “Chris Masters' Worst Nightmare” because now that he hasn't got his “Flintstones Vitamins” to depend on for his great physique, that chiseled frame of his is slowly turning into the body of your average wrestler. It's almost a farce to see his entrance now with all the pomp and circumstance, only to see him throw back his cape and reveal the most unremarkable body on Raw. It's bad... so bad, in fact, that John Cena and Rob Conway could each lay claim to the “Masterpiece” moniker now that Masters has involuntarily given up the gimmick.

Now he's just a big, balding, reasonably well conditioned wrestler with a limited knowledge of telling a story in the ring... and one Hulk Hogan is plenty.

Rule #2: If your latest monster isn't getting over with fans, can't work worth a damn in the ring, and you're pretty sure you're going to feed him to Undertaker before kicking his gigantic ass to the curb, don't have him squash the World Champion.

A springboard dropkick. That was the extent of Rey Mysterio's offense against The Great Khali last week on Smackdown. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Mysterio shouldn't have been placed anywhere near the not-so-jolly green giant in the first place, let alone have him be utterly exposed as a pathetic champion in the process.

I keep hearing rumors of how WWE has finally realized how Khali is a wasted investment, and have even minimized his exposure on televised events and house shows to keep fans from realizing just how immensely craptacular the guy is beyond what they could ever imagine. Yet WWE still sees fit to have Khali stomp his way into a Smackdown ring and obliterate Rey Mysterio in a forgettable match in Rey's hometown that was about as welcome as a fart in the wind.

Sure, I am fully aware that no matter what the circumstance Khali would squash Rey, but there needs to be a context and an end-game for it. If you're going to cut the monster loose after he jobs to Taker, then what the fuck was the point of putting the guy over Rey Mysterio in such a way to make Rey looking completely ineffectual as a champion. Having Mark Henry consistently go over main eventers was a stretch, but Khali's push just snaps the fucking elastic in two.

Rule #3: To be the man, you have to convict the man.

“ The Nature Boy” Ric Flair's assault charges, stemming from an alleged road rage incident in North Carolina, were dismissed this past Monday because none of the witnesses bothered to show up to court.

Now maybe the guy that filed the charges against Flair was full of shit to begin with and was looking to file a civil lawsuit against him in hopes of making a quick buck. Maybe the guy was actually telling the truth and Flair really did hand him his punk card on the middle of Interstate 485. I don't care really because it doesn't effect me in the slightest.

I don't find Flair to be remotely effective in a wrestling capacity any longer. He has long since passed that point in his career where he can look back on his legacy and see it as untarnished. His performances in the ring have been sad and pathetic for quite some time now. Aside from two occasions where he has almost killed himself in ladder matches (vs. Edge and the MITB match), it's taken everything Triple H could muster to drag a watchable match out of Flair's wrinkled ass. He's done and I honestly hope that he never sets foot in a ring again.

Would it be a crime for his last match to be that squashing he took from Umaga? Sure, but the even bigger crime is the fact that he's had a semi-regular wrestling position in WWE for as many years as he's had. Part of me was almost hopeful that he'd win the “Money In The Bank” match at 'Mania, but then I realized that it would only mean that he'd eventually get a main event push... and that's something that I can't live with.

So Flair is somewhat vindicated in court, albeit by a default of sorts, but one has to wonder what happened to those witnesses. Maybe Arn and Ole helped Ric put a real old fashioned Horsemen curb stompin' on that guy and convinced him to not bother testifying lest he end up in the War Games cage. Wooo!

The End

There... I just had to vent a little bit on those things and I figured this column's format served the purpose well. Shit, I just realized that this is my second column in a month. I'm becoming semi-regular again with my writing. That can't be good. I'm turning into the Ric Flair of columns – a cliché of my former self and writing half-assed columns only out of habit and want for validation. Oh wait, I'm thinking of someone else. Ah well. I fit the bill just as well, I suppose.

Speaking of cliches, what would one of my columns be without that tidbit that most folks skip to the bottom to see anyway. Thanks to Phantom Lord for passing this one along to me, as it god a chuckle out of me. So here it is... Your Moment Of Zen.

I see Davey Boy, but I'm praying that isn't Dynamite with the beard.

Summer Is Gonna Be Hot As Balls

2006-05-16T23:27:00.000-03:00

I don't know what everyone else thinks about global warming, and quite frankly I don't care. I can tell you right now for a fact that it is gonna be hot as balls this summer. It's cool and the gang right now, sure, but we're only just dragging our asses out of one of the mildest winters that I can recall. This summer is gonna be like a bad re-run of last summer - too fucking hot.

When I was a kid it was never that hot. Maybe my tolerance for heat was better as a kid or maybe I just never noticed. God knows I had better things to do with my time than bitch about the weather... like play frog baseball or "Doctor" with the preacher's daughter. Cruelty to animals and prepubescent play not withstanding, I don't think the summers got as hot back then as they do now.

I ain't no scientist and I don't pretend to be, but it just fucking irritates me whenever the subject of global warming comes up and some assbag has to call it a myth. Hell, there are even some retards that have the audacity to say that the planet is actually getting cooler. To those ignorant pricks, I invite them to tell me that I'm out of my mind for thinking that it's getting warmer simply based on what I see with my own fucking eyes. We don't get as much snow around here as we did years ago, and my shorts didn't cling to my nutsack in the summer like a crackwhore on a pipe back then either.

Like I already stated, I ain't a scientist, so I'm not gonna pretend to know what's actually causing the global warming, but you have got to have your head thoroughly shoved up your ass to think that the weather is actually cooling off. Greenhouse effect, CFCs, ozone depletion, God's wrath, or too many cows farting methane... I don't know and I don't care. It's getting warmer and I don't like it.

Maybe it's my inner Eskimo, but I'll take the coldest winter over the hottest summer any day of the week. I can find plenty of ways to keep warm in the dead of winter, but I'll be damned if I can keep from sweating my ass into a near coma from all the Maritime humidity in the summer. Last summer was so hot that there were nights where I literally could not sleep because it was so damned hot. I had to freeze water bottles and hug them like teddy bears just to feel halfways normal. A bit of an exaggeration, sure, but fuck it... you try it and see how you react.

And I'm in Canada. You can just go fuck yourself if you think I'd ever spend a sunny day in August down in Florida. My balls would be everywhere... literally. Well, maybe if Jessica Alba was sunbathing down on the beach I could give it a shot, but that's a big fucking "if".